> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.boscutti.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # “THE WEDDING VIDEO” (SCREENPLAY) - URL: https://www.boscutti.com/the-wedding-video-screenplay/ - Published: 2011-10-21T13:00:00.000Z - Updated: 2024-04-11T21:55:14.000Z - Author: Stefano Boscutti - Tags: Screenplays Everyone loves a wedding. You don’t want to read something dry and droll. You want to read something smart and funny. Something you can laugh out loud to. “The Wedding Video” melts the most subversive comedies ever written into one manic concoction of love and lust. Peopled with wannabe mafiosi, this intriguing farce pits a young man on the rise against the don who wants to bed his fiancé on their wedding day. One mistaken identity after another. Switchbacks, fallbacks and fall guys. Half turns and half wits. Double and triple entendres. All in the space of one mad day. “The Wedding Video” is a riotous comedy screenplay. It’s a sparkling, dizzying take on tripping up the ruling elite. Will young Figaro get one up on the bombastic Don Almaviva? *‘I think screenplays are the literature of the future. We all live our lives increasingly through screens, so why don’t we write for the screen. For “The Wedding Video” I developed a screenplay style beyond the current American model. It’s a mix of English, Italian, and Japanese, with a dash of the early silents and newsreels. It simplifies the technical parameters so it’s easier for you to read. A lot easier. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it.’ Stefano Boscutti* *“The Wedding Video” is based on Pierre-Augustin Caron De Beaumarchais’ revolutionary plays “Le Barbier de Séville,” “Le Mariage de Figaro,” and “La Mère coupable.” Pierre Augustin Caron De Beaumarchais who at various times in his life was a watchmaker, inventor, playwright, musician, diplomat, spy, publisher, horticulturist, arms dealer, satirist, financier, and activist.* *Rated NC-17 / ISBN 9780980712568 / 21,000 words / 84 minutes of boisterous reading pleasure* *Buy from* [*Amazon*](https://www.amazon.com/WEDDING-VIDEO-SCREENPLAY-Stefano-Boscutti-ebook/dp/B005YIFE86?ref=boscutti.com) *or* [*Barnes & Noble*](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-wedding-video...boscutti/1107080175?ref=boscutti.com) *Or keep scrolling to read online.* --- *‘History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.’ Karl Marx* ## **STEFANO BOSCUTTI** ## **THE WEDDING VIDEO** ## ## **BASED ON THE PLAYS BY PIERRE-AUGUSTIN CARON DE BEAUMARCHAIS** ## Copyright 2011 Stefano Boscutti All Rights Reserved ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - NEW BEDROOM - DAWN Fade in the new day as plush, gold velvet curtains slide open to the sound of an electric motor whirring and whining and jamming. FIGARO, 27, is getting married today. He presses the remote to fully open the motorized curtains. But they don’t budge. They’re stuck half- way. FIGARO Cazzo!! Figaro is the Consiglieri of the Almaviva crime family, a Versace mobster who’s never killed anyone. SUSANNA Figaro, swearing won’t make it work. SUSANNA, 27, is his bride. She sits on the floor of the naked room, trying on her white wedding veil. She is Chinese. And she is beautiful. She is dressed in white. He is dressed in a silk suit. Figaro peers up at the motor that drives the curtain. FIGARO Maybe I should shoot it. He looks around the room. A pile of gaudily wrapped presents are already stacked in one corner. He starts pacing out the room, scratching his slight mustache. FIGARO Susanna, can you believe the bed Don Almaviva is giving us for our wedding present. It’s going to be fucking beautiful. He paces out the bed and scratches his head. FIGARO But it’s going to be fucking big. He moves to one wall, pencils some numbers on blue paper. SUSANNA Do you love my veil, Figaro? He paces out the bed again. Rubs the back of his neck. FIGARO It’s not going to fit? SUSANNA It’s a perfect fit. FIGARO The bed, Susanna. I’m talking about the fucking bed. SUSANNA He can keep it for all I care! FIGARO It’s a gift from Don Almaviva! Susana stares him down. FIGARO Susanna, what about if we put it over here? Too close to Signora Almaviva? Susanna adjusts her veil. He moves to the wall and looks to Susanna for answer. SUSANNA Too close to fucking Don Almaviva. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - DON ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS DON ALMAVIVA’S feet encased in velvet slippers with the Almaviva family crest embroidered in gold. Sounds of Don Almaviva merrily humming ‘The Wedding March’ to himself. Sounds of electric razor humming. He scratches the back of his naked calf with his foot. He’s wearing a very expensive satin dressing gown. He scratches his ass. In the mirror he’s shaving with a gold electric razor. His illustrious mustache rides along his top lip. Don Almaviva, 47, is head of the Almaviva crime family. A mobster boss who’s watched Francis Ford Coppola’s “THE GODFATHER” 83 times. He’s wearing a new white singlet. A gold crucifix dingle dangles around his neck. He’s merrily humming ‘The Wedding March’ to himself. His MISTRESS joins in from the bedroom, singing along. (Actually more screeching along.) MISTRESS (O.C.) Here comes the bride, here comes the -- Don Almaviva shudders and nicks his cheek. DON ALMAVIVA Ma dio, basta! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - DON ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva struts out of the bathroom, chest out, pressing some toilet paper against his cheek. DON ALMAVIVA I’m fucking bleeding to death! What are you doing? Mistress, 37, is sitting in bed naked and mouthing the word to ‘The Wedding March’ rolling around in her head. Black bedroom hair. DON ALMAVIVA Get out of the bed. I got a big day today. Mistress pouts and sulks. DON ALMAVIVA What? What are you complaining about? You’re not my wife. You’re my mistress! Out! Out!! Mistress slides out of bed with the sheet around her and hurries to the door to leave. Don Almaviva slaps her ass with a laugh. DON ALMAVIVA Svelta! Svelta!!! And winces as his laughing stretches the tiny cut on his cheek. Gingerly presses the toilet paper against it. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - NEW BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Figaro looks over the wrapped presents. Susanna is anxiously twisting her jade bracelet around her wrist. FIGARO Susanna, that’s ridiculous. SUSANNA Figaro, that’s his right. FIGARO Droit de seigneur? The feudal right of the head of the family to take precedence over husbands on their wedding nights? Susanna nods. FIGARO It’s a four hundred year old right he abolished when he married Signora Almaviva. SUSANNA Figaro, for a clever young man on the rise you can be very stupid. Figaro looks over the wrapped presents. SUSANNA He’s been scheming with Professor Basilio to get me alone. Figaro picks up a wrapped present and shakes it. FIGARO Toaster! SUSANNA If he sends you overseas on business? Figaro picks up another wrapped present and shakes it. FIGARO Toaster! SUSANNA Figaro, you know what he’s like. He picks up yet another wrapped present and shakes it. He realises it makes a different noise. He shakes it some more. SUSANNA He no longer looks at his wife. He’s tired of the other girls. He wants a new plaything. He shakes it even more vigorously and a shiny new titanium video camera shoots out one end. He lunges to catch it and juggles it the air before it’s safely in his hands. He smiles. A new toy. FIGARO Did you tease him, Susanna? Susanna takes off her veil and looks at him flatly. He looks at the new video camera, figuring out how to operate it. FIGARO Not even one kiss? He slips in the battery the wrong way. FIGARO An accident of birth and he thinks he rules the fucking world? Thinks he can fucking dance all over us? He slips in the battery the right way. FIGARO You want to dance, Don Almaviva? You want some fucking fun? He turns it on and looks in the viewfinder as he walks towards the door. FIGARO Well, we’ll just fucking see about that, Don Almaviva. He bangs straight into the door frame on the way out. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SECURITY ROOM - CONTINUOUS TONY THE FISH, MOZZARELLA and JIMMY SPAGHETTINI are the main family henchmen. All in their early 40s. All watching Martin Scorsese’s “GOODFELLAS” on the bank of security monitors and chuckling along. On the screens, Joe Pesci is taking shovels out of the trunk of a car to dig up a corpse in the middle of nowhere. Door opens and Don Giovanni strides in, little piece of toilet paper clotted and stuck to his cheek. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! What the fuck are you fucking doing? TONY THE FISH But this is the best bit, boss! DON ALMAVIVA Don’t make me fucking shoot you! Jimmy Spaghettini flips the switch and the security monitors switch to screen live footage from the security cameras dotted through the estate. DON ALMAVIVA Now, where’s my Susanna? He licks his lips. Henchmen roll their eyes as he scans each security monitor. Looking down over the parking lot scattered with morning light. Catering vans and supply vans arriving for tonight’s wedding feast. CATERERS are moving wild boar, pheasants and marlin into the commercial kitchen. Looking down over the banquet kitchen humming with fluorescent light. CHEFS, ASSISTANT CHEFS and PASTRY COOKS are busily preparing one feast after another. Looking down over the banquet hall as ELECTRICIANS adjust spotlights. EVENT ORGANISERS, WEDDING PLANNERS and STAFF are setting tables and places. Looking down over the main house splashed with sunlight. STAFF scatter across the ground floors of the Tuscan style two-story palazzo. Two wings spread far and wide with french doors in every top story room, each with its own Juliet balcony. In the garden under one balcony is a large topiary hedge meticulously clipped into the shape the Almaviva family crest. Looking down over the indoor pool in the pool house with sunlight sliding in through the large side windows. It ripples off the water onto the authentic reproduction of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Looking down over the chapel as sunlight gleams off the gold crucifix atop the spire. Looking down over the gardens as sunlight dances off the topiary statues and the greenhouse. Looking down over the grape vines that spill down the hill towards the road. Looking down over the gate house where TWO GUARDS are completely asleep. Don Almaviva grabs the microphone. Stabs the switch with his finger, it crackles and spits to life. DON ALMAVIVA Wake the fuck up you fucking fucks! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GATE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva’s voice spits and crackles and breaks up down the line into the intercom speaker. DON ALMAVIVA (O.S.) (through intercom) Wa -- ck -- u -- ing --ucks! Two Guards blearily wake up, yawn. Rub sleep from their eyes as they pick up their shotguns. One of them burps and shoos away a fly. ALMAVIVA ROAD - CONTINUOUS Black town car hurtles down the road. ALMAVIVA ROAD - BLACK TOWN CAR - BACK SEAT - CONTINUOUS DR. BARTOLO is carefully scrutinising a gray contract, word by word. MARCHESA MARCELLINA, 57, fans herself with a delicate white linen handkerchief. Tightly clutches PEDRILLO, her nervous Pekinese. MARCHESA MARCELLINA What did Don Almaviva do? Nothing? Except have the good fortune to be born. His father and his father’s father? Great men. They built that family up with their own hands. She jabs at the contract with her fat little fingers. MARCHESA MARCELLINA This is for Figaro’s own good. It’s high time he was out of that family. He has to honor his agreement. The more excited she gets, the more tightly she clutches Pedrillo and the harder he pants. DR. BARTOLO Quite categorically. MARCHESA MARCELLINA It’s his signature. Dr. Bartolo is dressed sternly in black. He nods, a little concerned for the dog. MARCHESA MARCELLINA He either repays the money he owes me -- with interest -- or he marries me. It’s completely legal. DR. BARTOLO Absolutely legal. Marchesa Marcellina snatches back the gray contract. MARCHESA MARCELLINA It’s not about love. It’s about obligation. DR. BARTOLO And a little revenge on my behalf. That Figaro thwarted all my plans to marry Signora Almaviva. Marchesa Marcellina stifles a tiny laugh. DR. BARTOLO It’s high time that little bastard -- Marchesa Marcellina smacks him lightly on the arm with her handkerchief. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Language! Language!! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GATE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Town car roars past as Two Guards rush out, annoyed it didn’t even bother slowing down. Let alone stop. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS Marchesa Marcellina glances out the window. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Weddings bring out the worst in Don Almaviva. He’s not himself. He’s dissolute and jealous. DR. BARTOLO He’s bored and vain. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Figaro is very handsome, don’t you think? Dr. Bartolo looks out the window. Marchesa Marcellina folds the gray contract and hands it to Dr. Bartolo. MARCHESA MARCELLINA He’ll make me a fine husband. DR. BARTOLO He’ll make you a young husband. MARCHESA MARCELLINA You know you could have married me all those years ago. If you’d loved me. Dr. Bartolo never had the time for love. He takes the gray contract, opens the door and leaves. Pedrillo yippity yaps. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS Marchesa Marcellina steps out of the car and sees the flurry of activity as everyone prepares for the wedding. She crosses paths with Susanna, and smiles. MARCHESA MARCELLINA You won’t be marrying your Figaro today, young lady. That pleasure will be mine. SUSANNA It’s not yet midday, madam, and already the sun has made you delirious. You really should be in the shade. Marchesa Marcellina smiles tightly, clasps Pedrillo and fans herself with her handkerchief. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Figaro is mine. I have the deed in writing. SUSANNA Like the lines written on your face, madam. They look so much deeper in the sunshine. Marchesa Marcellina’s smile is so tight it could snap. SUSANNA They make you look old enough to be his mother. MARCHESA MARCELLINA You’re such a silly thing, Susanna. What will you do all alone with Don Almaviva? Susanna smiles back. MARCHESA MARCELLINA What will you do when your beauty fades? All you have is your looks? You have no money. You have no position. SUSANNA I have love. MARCHESA MARCELLINA And when that goes you will have nothing. Susanna smiles. MARCHESA MARCELLINA What will you do with nothing, Susanna? Beat. Marchesa Marcellina screws up her mouth. Susanna nods her head gently to allow her to pass first. SUSANNA After you, madam. Marchesa Marcellina passes off in a huff. Susanna starts walking towards the garden, the hem of her full white skirt kissing the ground. SUSANNA Perhaps I’ll ask madam for a loan. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - DON ALMAVIVA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Back of blue notepaper as Don Almaviva mutters trying to read what’s written on the front. PROF. BASILIO (O.C.) Perhaps if I turn up the lights, Don Almaviva -- Don Almaviva’s office is modelled on Don Vito Corleone’s from Coppola’s “THE GODFATHER”. The french doors to the Juliet balcony are closed and the heavy curtains are closed tight. Not even the smallest ray of sunshine can edge in. DON ALMAVIVA I had them re-set. The lights don’t go up any fucking higher. Prof. Basilio is dressed in dark gray. Don Almaviva is still in his satin dressing gown, white singlet and velvet slippers. He looks around his dark paneled office. DON ALMAVIVA Sets the right mood, don’t you think? PROF. BASILIO Of course, Don Almaviva -- Don Almaviva squints as he holds the blue note under a lamp and tries to read it again. DON ALMAVIVA Who the fuck writes in pencil anyway. It’s fucking ridiculous. Don Almaviva holds up the blue note. DON ALMAVIVA You found this anonymous note slipped under your door this morning, Professor Basilio? Prof. Basilio nods. DON ALMAVIVA You’re an educated man, Professor Basilio. Is this written in a man’s hand? Or a woman’s hand? PROF. BASILIO Don Almaviva, I’m a professor of music -- not a hand writing expert -- so it -- DON ALMAVIVA It doesn’t matter who wrote it. What matters is what’s written. What matters is that I am to be betrayed by my own wife tonight! Me! Don Almaviva!! Don Almaviva squints as he looks at the blue note again. DON ALMAVIVA The place is set. The time is set. If I only knew who her ‘true love’ was, I could have him killed. PROF. BASILIO Him -- DON ALMAVIVA I could have him killed like that! Don Almaviva snaps his fingers. PROF. BASILIO What if it’s not a ‘him’? What if it’s a -- Don Almaviva raises his hand to stop Prof. Basilio saying another word. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! One sin at a time!! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - TOPIARY GARDEN - CONTINUOUS CHERUBINO, 17, rushes to catch up with Susanna walking through the pristine hedges carefully clipped into life-size replicas of famous classical Italian statues - Pietà, Venus di Milo, Venus di Milo, Venus at the Fountain, Thea, Tacita, Vergogna and Paolina and assorted Cherubs. Cherubino anxiously checks over his shoulder. He’s a junior mobster clad in Versace Sportswear. White with flashes of silver. Slight, feminine, shoulder length blonde hair. His faint mustache is barely noticeable. Totally flustered, beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. CHERUBINO Susanna, he’s going to fucking banish me! I know it! SUSANNA Who? CHERUBINO God! SUSANNA Who!?!! CHERUBINO God, he’s going to kill me! I know it! I’ve really done it this time! But I love her! What can I do? I love all women! It’s not a crime! Is it? To love? How can that be a crime? Susanna stops in front of the meticulously clipped Venus di Milo hedge. Next to it is a clear plexiglass garden seat. SUSANNA Don Almaviva caught you? Cherubino’s shoulders collapse. SUSANNA With the gardener’s daughter? Beat. SUSANNA Again? CHERUBINO I love her! SUSANNA Cherubino! CHERUBINO I’m going crazy!! I don’t even know who I am anymore. He grabs her hand with both his. CHERUBINO Susanna, you have to help me. You have talk to Signora Almaviva on my behalf. I can’t. SUSANNA Why not? You spend enough time around her. CHERUBINO When I’m with her my words get all up tangled! I’m all confused. SUSANNA Cherubino! CHERUBINO I think I may love her too! SUSANNA Cherubino, she’s your Godmother! He drops his shoulders, shakes his head. CHERUBINO It’s hopeless. I don’t know what to do. You have to talk to her, Susanna. So she can talk some sense into Don Almaviva. You’re my only chance. Beat. They both hear Don Almaviva humming ‘The Wedding March’ as he approaches. Cherubino looks down at Susanna’s hand he’s clutching desperately and gasps as he lets go and looks for somewhere to hide. First one way, then another. Falls, twists and slips behind the curved shell of the large Birth of Venus hedge just as Don Almaviva arrives. Don Almaviva is a little surprised to find Susanna all alone. He’s still wearing his satin gown, singlet and velvet slippers with the family crest embroidered in gold. A blue note is folded in his pocket. CHERUBINO If not, you’ll never see me again. DON ALMAVIVA My dear, dear, Susanna. All alone on your fucking wedding day. It breaks my fucking heart. He looks around to make sure the coast is clear, circling Susanna like a hungry lion. She nods gently to let Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA Such beauty, such fucking grace. Susanna nods again to let Don Almaviva pass. SUSANNA Your kindness precedes you, Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA And such wit. But I’m not going anywhere, Susanna. He straightens his dressing gown. DON ALMAVIVA I wouldn’t miss tonight for the world. A wedding brings out the best in me. He looks around. DON ALMAVIVA Where’s Figaro? What sort groom leaves his bride all alone on his wedding day? Maybe he’s more of a man than you think he is? A man’s man, eh? SUSANNA Don Almaviva! DON ALMAVIVA Susanna, I’ve had my suspicions for a while now. I know these things. Don Almaviva sniffs the air and nods. DON ALMAVIVA When you’ve been around men like I have, you understand their peculiarities. Susanna smooths out her skirt. DON ALMAVIVA If I was Figaro, I wouldn’t be able to keep my fucking hands off you. Susanna blushes. DON ALMAVIVA In an honorable way, of course. I’m an honorable man, Susanna. You know how much I believe in tradition. SUSANNA Of course, Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA Honors, traditions, rights. SUSANNA Rights like droit de seigneur? DON ALMAVIVA Well, yes that’s one right -- SUSANNA That you abolished -- DON ALMAVIVA And can unabolish with a snap of my fingers. SUSANNA Unabolish? Don Almaviva snaps his fingers and smiles. DON ALMAVIVA The legal right of the first night with the bride! Susanna looks worried. DON ALMAVIVA Not that I would ever force myself on you. I’m no brute, Susanna. Don Almaviva pats his stomach. DON ALMAVIVA In my own way, I do love you. I’m sure we can come to some arrangement. Susanna anxiously twists her jade bracelet. SUSANNA And Figaro? DON ALMAVIVA Figaro need never know. It can be just between us. It can be our little secret, Susanna. Don Almaviva drops to his knees and takes her hand. DON ALMAVIVA I can give you jewels, diamonds big enough to choke a horse. Land? Cars? Cash? Anything you want, Susanna. Anything your heart desires. SUSANNA And if my heart desires Figaro? Don Almaviva smiles. DON ALMAVIVA Let’s leave Figaro out of this. Sounds of someone scrambling through the gardens. Distant bushes moving as someone comes closer. PROF. BASILIO (O.S.) Don Almaviva! Don Almaviva jumps to his feet, looks left and right for a place to hide. PROF. BASILIO (O.S.) Don Almaviva!! He looks behind one end of the curved shell of the Birth of Venus hedge just as Cherubino pops his head out the other end and recognizes Don Almaviva’s ass. Cherubino tip toes out front of the Birth of Venus hedge as Don Almaviva tip toes behind. PROF. BASILIO (O.S.) Don Almaviva!!! Cherubino frantically looks around for a place to hide. Groans when he sees the clear plexiglass garden seat. Drops to the ground in despair, his head falling into his hands. Susanna steps over him and drops her skirt just as Prof. Basilio arrives, shooing flies and spitting out leaves. Stooped and worried. Susanna gulps as she covers Cherubino under skirt. PROF. BASILIO (to himself) The gardener really has to do something about that path -- if he spent a little less time drinking and a little more time gardening -- SUSANNA Professor Basilio! PROF. BASILIO Ah, Susanna, my dear, have you seen -- it doesn’t matter -- this family is going to ruin -- it’s a mad house back there -- I’m better off out here with the flies -- Susanna doesn’t move, hardly breathes. PROF. BASILIO No, don’t say a word -- no need to help -- Prof. Basilio sits on the plexiglass garden seat and catches his breath. PROF. BASILIO I’m a professor of music -- The Vienna Academy -- The Da Ponte Institute -- reduced to running errands for Don Almaviva -- Susanna is getting a little hot under the collar. PROF. BASILIO I know what you’re thinking, my dear -- it’s no use, he won’t listen to me -- he just snaps his fingers -- Prof. Basilio shakes his head. PROF. BASILIO I should be working on my opus -- my opera -- this crazy family would make a fine opera -- all the comings and goings -- all the high drama -- all the bad singing -- Susanna fans herself with an open palm. PROF. BASILIO Don Almaviva forever chasing anything in -- or out of - a skirt -- a wife -- a mistress -- and still he wants more -- Susanna wanly smiles. PROF. BASILIO It’s a wonder he hasn’t put the moves on you, my dear -- once he gets an idea in his head -- or in his pants -- there’s no stopping him -- he’s blind to everything -- Susanna blinks. PROF. BASILIO He has no idea Cherubino is in love with his wife -- I know, a scandal -- that boy, he follows her around everywhere -- panting like a little lost puppy -- Prof. Basilio hangs his hands in front of him like paws and pants and laughs. PROF. BASILIO Yesterday he was so lost in her gaze he almost fell out of a balcony -- Don Almaviva leaps out from behind the scalloped shell of the Birth of Venus hedge, dusting tiny leaves off his dressing gown. DON ALMAVIVA A balcony! Prof. Basilio stands. PROF. BASILIO Don Almaviva! Susanna!! DON ALMAVIVA Professor Basilio, I’m shocked. That little fucking Cherubino is chasing my own wife -- Don Almaviva tightens the sash of his dressing gown. DON ALMAVIVA \-- in my own home!! Prof. Basilio sighs as he looks suspiciously at Susanna. She clutches her hands. DON ALMAVIVA Is nothing sacred! What the fuck is the world coming to!! SUSANNA He’s just a boy, Don Almaviva! DON ALMAVIVA A boy after my wife’s very heart -- a boy who needs to learn a valuable lesson about life! PROF. BASILIO I agree, Don Almaviva -- DON ALMAVIVA Of course, you agree. That’s what I pay you for. SUSANNA Don Almaviva, Cherubino doesn’t even know what he’s doing. DON ALMAVIVA And how do you know, my dear? Susanna blushes. DON ALMAVIVA Have you been intimate with the boy? Don Almaviva smirks. DON ALMAVIVA You wouldn’t be the first. I caught him red-handed with Antonio’s daughter a day ago. Prof. Basilio shakes his head sadly. DON ALMAVIVA Barbarina, a beautiful girl. Unspoiled charms. If I was a little younger -- PROF. BASILIO Caught him red-handed? DON ALMAVIVA Generally I’m not that fond of blondes but with Barbarina -- PROF. BASILIO Red-handed? DON ALMAVIVA In her bedroom. I’m having a little innocent chat with Barbarina when I hear a cough from under the bed. Susanna clears her throat. Don Almaviva acts out his actions. DON ALMAVIVA I take a step closer. I reach for her bed cover. I tear it off. And who’s hiding under her bed? That little fucking low born rat, Cherubino. Prof. Basilio gasps. Susanna swoons. DON ALMAVIVA I kicked him up the ass so hard I almost broke my fucking toe. Susanna closes her eyes and faints backwards into the plexiglass garden seat. Don Almaviva and Prof. Basilio leap to her rescue. DON ALMAVIVA Owh!! As they catch Susanna, Cherubino is revealed cowering under her skirt. Prof. Basilio almost faints too. Don Almaviva can’t believe his eyes. DON ALMAVIVA Cherubino!! Cherubino stands, hunched apologetically. Don Almaviva holds Susanna upright while trying to kick the boy. CHERUBINO Don Almaviva, it’s all a terrible misunderstanding. DON ALMAVIVA Come closer so I can fucking kick you!! CHERUBINO But I’m you Godson! DON ALMAVIVA I no longer have a fucking Godson! Don Almaviva struggles to kick out at the boy. DON ALMAVIVA You would fucking betray me with my own fucking wife! CHERUBINO You don’t understand -- DON ALMAVIVA What don’t I fucking understand -- CHERUBINO \-- in my own way, I love her. Don Almaviva is stunned. Cherubino looks at the unconscious Susanna. CHERUBINO Like you love -- DON ALMAVIVA Owh! Not another fucking word, Cherubino. Susanna comes to. Don Almaviva drags up the sleeves on his satin dressing as he approaches Cherubino. He grabs Cherubino by his long blonde hair and drags the boy to his face. Sounds of people moving through the gardens. Distant bushes moving as people come closer. FIGARO (O.C.) Don Almaviva!! Figaro steps out from a bush, filming with the new video camera pressed up to his eye. Susanna’s white veil in his other hand. FIGARO Smile for the camera! Don Almaviva grins awkwardly, letting go of Cherubino’s hair and patting it down into place. He straightens his dressing gown. YOUNG FEMALE FLORISTS step out of the bushes carrying bouquets of a white roses. DON ALMAVIVA What the fuck’s this? FIGARO Tradition, Don Almaviva. The flowers of thanks for you relinquishing your droit de signeur, your right to take precedence over husbands on their wedding nights. Each florist steps up to Don Almaviva and presents him with a bouquet of white roses. He has to thank each one in turn, forcing a smile. The white roses pile up higher and higher until he bundles them all onto Prof. Basilio who totters to balance them all. FIGARO And now the crowning glory. Figaro hands Susanna’s white wedding veil to Don Almaviva who gingerly takes it. Susanna lowers her head. FIGARO The placing of the white veil, the symbol of purity. Don Almaviva looks at the veil. DON ALMAVIVA Later. FIGARO Later! DON ALMAVIVA I’ll do it later, Figaro. FIGARO Later? Don Almaviva spreads his arms. DON ALMAVIVA Look at me. I’m not even dressed for such an important occasion. All the Florists clap. Don Almaviva smiles and hands the veil back to Figaro. Susanna snatches it off him and storms off. DON ALMAVIVA But as you have the camera here, Figaro, I have an important announcement to make. Don Almaviva clears his throat and looks into the camera. DON ALMAVIVA For prosperity. For the honor of this family. Don Almaviva puts his arm around Cherubino’s shoulders and brings him to his side, tight. Cherubino grimaces. DON ALMAVIVA On this day I formally announce forthwith that Cherubino rises to the rank of Lieutenant. Cherubino’s face collapses. Don Almaviva beams. DON ALMAVIVA Effective immediately. All the Florists clap. Prof. Basilio tries to clap and balance the bouquets of white roses. Don Almaviva raises his hands to silence them. DON ALMAVIVA We all know what a great and honorable sacrifice, Cherubino, is making. And we honor him. He smiles into the camera. DON ALMAVIVA And because I am a man who honors my obligations, I have no hesitation in making my word my deed. He snaps his fingers and Prof. Basilio pats the pockets of his coat. Bouquets of white roses teeter and fall. Prof. Basilio retrieves a commission on red framed note paper. Don Almaviva dismisses it with two snaps of his fingers. Prof. Basilio pats more pockets of his coat and more bouquets of white roses wobble and fall until he retrieves a commission on red lined note paper. Don Almaviva dismisses it too with three snaps of his fingers. Prof. Basilio pats the remaining pockets of his coat and the remaining bouquets of white roses pitch and fall when he slowly retrieves a commission on red note paper. Don Almaviva snatches it with a wry smile and hands it to Cherubino. DON ALMAVIVA Lieutenant Cherubino, it’s an honor to have known you. Don Almaviva leaves. Prof. Basilio follows him out along with the Florists. Cherubino reads his commission, more downhearted with each word. Figaro puts the camera down and sidles up to Cherubino. He has a black eye from when he banged into the door frame of his new bedroom. FIGARO Fuck, life really can change in the blink of an eye. CHERUBINO It’s over, Figaro. I’m fucking dead. Figaro tries to cheer him up. FIGARO You must be the youngest Lieutenant ever? CHERUBINO The youngest, deadest Lieutenant ever? Figaro glances at the red note paper and sees the severity of the commission. He winces. CHERUBINO I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to die? I’m too young too die? What gives Don Almaviva the right? When has he ever been to war? He just sits on his fat ass all day, ordering everybody around. FIGARO He’s not himself today. He’s a little distracted. Cherubino holds up his commission. CHERUBINO Not distracted enough, Figaro! Figaro nods. CHERUBINO Somebody needs to teach him a lesson. Figaro thinks. FIGARO When do you have to leave? CHERUBINO Midnight! I won’t see them ever again! Susanna! Barbarina! Signora Almaviva! FIGARO Cherubino, where you’re going you won’t be seeing any women ever again. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - BATHROOM - LATER SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S perfectly manicured feet peak out from a rich bubble bath. Sounds of Signora Almaviva sadly humming ‘The Wedding March’ to herself. She delicately scratches the back of her naked calf with her foot. She lies in her deep marble bath. Her eyes closed and her hair wrapped in a fresh white towel embossed with the Almaviva family crest. Signora Almaviva, 47, is the wife of Don Almaviva. She has never watched Francis Ford Coppola’s “THE GODFATHER” through to the end. A gold crucifix rests above her breasts. She looks like a more refined, graceful version of her husband’s Mistress. More beautiful, more noble. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (to herself) Porgi amor qualche ristoro. She opens her eyes. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Susanna, my robe please. Susanna enters with a fresh white towel robe and slips it over Signora Almaviva as she steps out of the bath into the luxurious bathroom. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA What am I to do with that faithless husband of mine, Susanna? Such stupid indiscretions? Such petty infidelities? Lusting after everything that moves. Susanna is looking up into the chandelier. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA And now lusting after you on your wedding day. How he loved me once. Sad to imagine I loved him too. Signora Almaviva looks at her reflection in the mirror. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Sadder to know I love him still. Signora Almaviva squeezes moisturizer into her hands and massages it in, thinking. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Women are too kind. We forgive too easily. We give away our love too freely to men who only want one thing. She spots Susanna looking up into the chandelier. She looks up into the chandelier. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Pussy? Susanna nods glumly as she looks up into the chandelier. SUSANNA Pussy! Figaro steps in looking up into the chandelier, disappointed. FIGARO Pussy. Chandelier twinkles and sways. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Figaro, be a darling. Figaro sees PUSSY, a Persian kitten trapped inside the chandelier. He shakes his head as he picks up a gold chair and places it under the chandelier. FIGARO How does she ever get up there? He picks up a second gold chair and places it on the seat of the first. SUSANNA Be careful, Figaro. FIGARO It’s a wonder she doesn’t electrocute herself. Figaro climbs up the gold chairs as they creak and lurch. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA It’s your wedding day. We don’t want you breaking any bones. Figaro stands with one foot on the seat and the other on the back of the top gold chair, reaching his hand out for Pussy. SUSANNA Or your neck. Figaro reaches further for Pussy. FIGARO Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. Pussy shrinks into the chandelier. FIGARO Pussy, don’t make me take out my gun. Pussy cocks her head. FIGARO Pussy, you’re going to make me take out my fucking gun. Figaro reaches into his jacket and pulls out his automatic handgun, turns it on its side and aims it at the kitten. FIGARO Pussy, you fucking happy now. Pussy climbs out of the chandelier and playfully pats the muzzle with her paw. Then steps onto the barrel and down Figaro’s arm, tail swishing regally in the air. FIGARO Fucking Pussy! Pussy climbs down into the crook of Figaro’s arm. Chairs strain and totter as Figaro starts climbing down. FIGARO Susanna, Signora Almaviva, I’ve been thinking about Don Almaviva and I have a plan to bring him to his senses. SUSANNA Careful! Figaro valiantly leaps from the chairs and lands with a smile. FIGARO A grand plan. Chairs wobble and crash behind him. Figaro lowers Pussy to the ground and she happily scampers off. He picks up the fallen chairs and takes them into the bedroom. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The french doors to the Juliet balcony are open. As are the curtains that shift in the slight breeze. Figaro straightens the chairs. The bedroom is furnished with breathtaking splendor. FIGARO A foolproof plan. Susanna isn’t so sure. SUSANNA One of your plans, Figaro? FIGARO One of my best. Don Almaviva’s passions will be curbed once and for all. Mark my fucking words. Figaro snaps his fingers. Signora Almaviva unwraps the towel from her head. Her rich black hair cascades down over her shoulders. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Well, don’t keep us in suspense, Figaro. Figaro clears this throat and places one foot on a chair. FIGARO I’ve already laid the groundwork. Signora Almaviva steps behind a lacquered screen and begins dressing. Figaro chuckles. FIGARO By now, Don Almaviva would have already received an anonymous note from yours truly informing him that Signora Almaviva is to meet her ‘true love’ tonight. Signora Almaviva’s head shoots out from the top of the screen. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Figaro, are you out of your mind? FIGARO A mere distraction, Signora Almaviva. A ruse to arouse his jealousy. A ploy to divert his attention from the real plan. SUSANNA There’s another plan! FIGARO And it involves you, my love. Figaro nods. FIGARO Well, not you ‘you’. SUSANNA Not me ‘me’? FIGARO Let me explain. You, Susanna, will send a note to Don Almaviva agreeing to meet him tonight in the gardens after dark. SUSANNA Figaro! FIGARO I’m good with notes! SUSANNA Figaro!! FIGARO Susanna, it won’t be you ‘you’ who will be there to meet Don Almaviva. It will be Cherubino, dressed as ‘you’. Silent and meek as a lamb. Figaro nods again. FIGARO And when Don Almaviva is unknowingly wooing the boy, Signora Almaviva will surprise him in flagrante delicto. Figaro seems pleased with his plan. FIGARO Chastened and humbled, Don Almaviva will see that running around after everything in a skirt is no way to get through life. Beat. FIGARO And beg forgiveness. SUSANNA Figaro, that’s a ridiculous plan. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.S.) Susanna, it’s not without its merits. Signora Almaviva steps out from behind the screen. Beauty and grace beyond words. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA In all these years no one has ever brought my husband to task. Figaro nods and smirks at Susanna. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Not even I. Signora Almaviva goes to her dressing table, fingers through her jewellery and selects a diamond pin. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Perhaps it’s time I did. She slips the diamond pin into her dress. FIGARO I’ll got get Cherubino. Figaro leaves, happy as a lark. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - BANQUET HALL KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Flurry of activity as CHEFS, ASSISTANT CHEFS, COOKS, SAUCIERS and STAFF are busy preparing tonight’s wedding feast. Tony The Fish, Mozzarella and Jimmy Spaghettini amble through. Mozzarella is eating an apple. Tony The Fish is acting Joe Pesci from the trunk scene in Scorsese’s “GOODFELLAS,” laughing to himself. TONY THE FISH (as Joe Pesci) Here’s an arm. Hey, here’s a leg. Here’s a wing. All three look happy at the volume of food being made. Jimmy Spaghettini stops at a bowl of noodles and takes a taste. Blanches and spits it out again. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI What the fuck’s wrong with this pasta? MOZZARELLA It’s noodles, you fucking idiot. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Noddles? MOZZARELLA It’s Chinese. It’s for our fucking Chinese guests. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Noodles, poodles! Why can’t we just have fucking lasagna? ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS There’s a forlorn knock on the door. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Enter. Door opens and Cherubino looks in. He lights up when he sees Signora Almaviva. Susanna smiles at him. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Cherubino, come in. Cherubino enters, clutching the red commission Don Almaviva had given him earlier. He sighs. CHERUBINO Such beauty, never to grace my eyes again. Such love, never to touch my heart again. Signora Almaviva smiles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Cherubino, quick, take off your clothes. Cherubino blushes. Signora Almaviva looks him up and down. Susanna is looking over expensive lingerie in the dressing room. Lace bras, panties, bustiers, corsets, garters, nylon stockings. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Cherubino, there’s no need to be shy. Figaro told you the plan. He steps behind the lacquered screen and starts slowly undressing. Susanna brings him a matching red bustier with garters and panties and drapes them over the top of the screen. Cherubino takes them. Cherubino steps out from behind the screen wearing the bustier and panties, flat chested with his fists on his hips. Signora Almaviva and Susanna look him up and down and shoo him back behind the screen. Susanna drapes red nylon stocking over the top of the screen and slips red high heel shoes around the bottom. Cherubino takes them. Cherubino steps out from behind the screen wearing the bustier, panties, nylons and shoes. His hands on his hips, trying to keep his balance. Signora Almaviva and Susanna scrutinize him more carefully. Then nod to each other and shoo him back behind the screen again. Susanna hands a box of white tissues around the side of the screen. Cherubino take it. Beat. Cherubino steps out from behind the screen wearing the bustier, panties, nylons and shoes. His bust has been filled out with two handfuls of tissues. His hands are open by his hips, palms out. Susanna steps up to him and tucks in a corner of a tissue that’s poking out behind his bustier. Susanna smiles. SUSANNA Perfecto! Signora Almaviva smiles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Perfecta!! Susanna starts to leave. SUSANNA I’ll get him my favorite dress. Signora Almaviva calls out after her. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA And your favorite ribbon. Susanna leaves, closing the door behind her. Signora Almaviva goes to the door and locks it. Then turns to Cherubino with a knowing smile. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA We’ll make a woman of you yet, Cherubino. Cherubino gulps. CHERUBINO Signora Almaviva, you know what love is. Signora Almaviva smiles. CHERUBINO Then why is it so confusing? Why is it so hard to understand? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You have to listen with your heart? CHERUBINO One minute I’m full of joy, the next overflowing with despair. Is this love? It makes no sense? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Have you fallen in love, Cherubino? CHERUBINO I think I’ve fallen in love with love. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA There is no better place to fall. CHERUBINO Not where I’m going. Signora Almaviva looks surprised. Cherubino reaches into his clothes and pulls out the commission on red note paper. He hands it to her. CHERUBINO Signora Almaviva, after tonight you won’t be seeing me ever again. Signora Almaviva reads it carefully. CHERUBINO Don Almaviva has ‘promoted’ me to Lieutenant. I’m off to do battle for the family. The glories of the war. She shakes her head in disbelief. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA That fool husband of mine. CHERUBINO No one ever comes back alive from the war -- Signora Almaviva hold the commission on red note paper for Cherubino to see. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA That fool husband of mine was in such a hurry to get rid of you, he didn’t even sign your commission. CHERUBINO No signature? She shakes her head. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You’re not going anywhere, Cherubino. Cherubino beams. Signora Almaviva sits at her dressing table. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Come here, kneel down before me. He does and she takes his head in her hands. She looks deeply into his eyes. He swoons. CHERUBINO Signora Almaviva, I -- Signora Almaviva places her index fingers on his lips. He blushes. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Sshhhh ... CHERUBINO I -- She pats his face with powder. Cherubino splutters and coughs as the powder settles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Look left. She rubs rouge onto his cheek bones. Smooths it back with her thumb. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Look right. She pencils his eyebrows. Licks the tip of the eyebrow pencil and dots a beauty mark under one cheek bone. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Look up. She mascaras his eyelashes. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Look down. She applies rich red lipstick to his top and then his bottom lip. She leans back and looks at her handiwork. He looks like a girl except for one niggling detail. CHERUBINO Signora Almaviva, I love -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Sshhhh. She rubs something between her fingers. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Close your eyes, darling. He closes his eyes as she carefully places what she was rubbing over his faint mustache, pressing it down into place. Cherubino smiles. CHERUBINO I love y -- Signora Almaviva deftly tears off the wax strip. CHERUBINO \-- yaaaooooowwwwww!! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva looks up, worried then suspicious. Still dressed in stain dressing gown, white singlet and velvet slippers. He’s clutching the anonymous blue note in his hand. He hurries up to his wife’s bedroom door and turns the handle. Turns it again. It’s locked. He pounds on the door. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Cherubino is clutching his mouth in pain, tears swelling in his eyes. Signora Almaviva gasps. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva pounds on the door, twists the handle. DON ALMAVIVA What’s the meaning of this? Locking out your own husband? ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Signora Almaviva calls out to her husband, looking for a place to hide Cherubino. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Coming! She shoos Cherubino into her dressing room. He teeters backwards on his high heels. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Quick! Quick! In here! He almost trips as she shuts the louvre doors, locks them and drops the key into her cleavage. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva looks up at the door. DON ALMAVIVA Who the fuck are you fucking talking to? ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Signora Almaviva opens the door with a resigned smile. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You, dearest. Who else could I possibly be talking to? Don Almaviva isn’t so sure. He steps in, glancing suspiciously around the room. DON ALMAVIVA When did you start locking yourself in your room? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I was just getting changed. DON ALMAVIVA You look worried. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I’ve had a lot on my mind, dearest. DON ALMAVIVA Me too. He hands her the blue note he was reading earlier. She reads it and hands it back. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Somebody is playing a prank on you, dearest. DON ALMAVIVA Really? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA A lover? Where would I keep a lover? Sounds of Cherubino crashing down in the dressing room. Don Almaviva shakes his head in bitter disappointment. He heads to the dressing room. Signora Almaviva pushes Cherubino clothes off the top of the lacquered screen. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA That must be Susanna. DON ALMAVIVA Susanna? Signora Almaviva nods innocently. Don Almaviva grabs the handles on the louvre doors. He smiles. DON ALMAVIVA Susanna’s in there? I was just looking for her. He tries to turn the handles and finds the louvre doors are locked. DON ALMAVIVA It’s me, Don Almaviva, open the doors. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA It’s me, Signora Almaviva, don’t open the doors. DON ALMAVIVA I demand you open the doors! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I forbid you to open the doors! Don Almaviva rattles the handles trying to open the locked doors. DON ALMAVIVA Open up! Open the fuck up!! Don Almaviva crouches and tries to peer in through the louvres. DON ALMAVIVA I know you’re fucking in there! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Stop it! You’ll scare the poor girl on her wedding day! Signora Almaviva looks at Cherubino’s clothes in a pile behind the lacquered screen. Don Almaviva looks at his wife. DON ALMAVIVA Girl? She looks at the doors. He slaps them out of frustration. DON ALMAVIVA You dirty dog, I know you’re fucking in there! Come out right fucking now! He screams. DON ALMAVIVA Out! Out!! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Have you lost your mind? Don Almaviva holds up the blue note. DON ALMAVIVA Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on in my own fucking house! I know everything! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You’re mad! Susanna’s in there!! Susanna walks into the bedroom with her favorite dress in one hand and a ribbon in the other. Freezes in her step. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Why would I lie to you? DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Why would Susanna be in your dressing room? Susanna frantically looks for a place to hide. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Looking for a ribbon? DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) A ribbon? Susanna dashes around the other side of the bed. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) It’s her wedding day. You know it’s traditional for the lady of the house to pass on her favorite ribbon. Susanna drops behind the bed just as Don Almaviva and his wife step into view. From under the bed, Susanna can see their feet gather near the bedroom door. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) I know that? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) You know everything, dearest. Pussy steps up to Susanna. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) I know we can’t leave ‘Susanna’ trapped in your dressing room! Pussy steps to and fro, swishing it’s tail under Susanna’s nose. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Really, dearest. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Come help me get my tools, dearest. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Tools? Susanna is about to sneeze. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) I have just the thing to open those doors. Don Almaviva’s slippers step aside as he opens the bedroom door. DON ALMAVIVA After you, dearest. Signora Almaviva’s feet hesitate, than step out through the doorway. Susanna squints as she struggles not to sneeze. Don Almaviva’s slipper rests against the bottom of bedroom door as he struggles to take out the key from the lock on the door. Susanna mouth gapes open as she holds her breath. Don Almaviva’s slippers step out and the door begins to close. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva closes the door tight and smiles at his wife. He turns the key to lock it just as Susanna stifles a sneeze from under the bed. He looks a little confused. Takes out the key and look at it. Looks at the lock as he slips the key in his pocket. DON ALMAVIVA I’ll get that fucking oiled. Two large and tired FURNITURE MOVERS in overalls trudge down the hallway struggling with a large deluxe king size mattress wrapped in thick plastic towards the new bedroom. They’re both in their 50s with fuming cigarettes dangling from their mouths. FURNITURE MOVERS Pardon us! Don Almaviva and Signora Almaviva are unceremoniously squashed up against the wall to let them pass. FURNITURE MOVERS Excuse us! They pass. Don Almaviva straightens his satin dressing gown and regains his composure. He leaves, calling to his wife. DON ALMAVIVA Andiamo! His wife follows him, shaking her head at the ceiling. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Susanna’s slips out from under the bed and rushes to the dressing room doors. SUSANNA Quick! Quick! Open up! It’s Susanna. Cherubino quickly opens the doors. Susanna is immediately taken aback by his makeup. SUSANNA Cherubino!? CHERUBINO Susanna!? She stares at Cherubino’s lipstick lips. SUSANNA That red really suits your lips. CHERUBINO Susanna, what I am going to do? Susanna snaps back to her senses. SUSANNA You have to get away at once! Both rush to the bedroom door and try and open it. They try again. It’s locked tight. CHERUBINO Susanna, he’ll kill me if he finds me here. Susanna looks Cherubino up and down. SUSANNA Cherubino, he might do something worse. Cherubino looks more worried that ever before. Susanna looks for a way to escape. Spots the open french doors to the Juliet balcony. Curtains flap lightly in the breeze. SUSANNA This way, quick! Cherubino looks down over the balcony railing. CHERUBINO Are you crazy? I’ll kill myself? Sounds of key scratching around the lock of the bedroom door. Cherubino and Susanna turn and look at the lock on the bedroom door with a gasp. They turn and look at each other. SUSANNA If the fall doesn’t kill you, Don Almaviva will. Susanna slams both her hands into Cherubino’s chest and send him tumbling over the balcony railing as the key slips into the lock of the bedroom door. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM BALCONY - CONTINUOUS Cherubino dressed in women’s lingerie and in full makeup tumbles out of the balcony railing and lands head first into a large topiary hedge meticulously clipped into the shape the Almaviva family crest. Cherubino grabs a tiny broken branch from the ruined crest to cover his privates as he scatters across the grounds. First running one way, then the other. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Susanna leaps into the dressing room and swiftly pulls the louvre doors shut as the bedroom door opens and Don Almaviva strides in with his wife. Don Almaviva steps on Pussy who screeches and scurries away. He regains his balance and strides up to the dressing room doors, ruefully inspecting the frame and the hinges. Looks carefully at the lock and then his wife. And then slowly takes out his tool. It’s not a drill. It’s not a hammer. It’s an automatic handgun. He slides the barrel to load the chamber. He aims the handgun at the lock. He fingers back the hammer. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Wait! Don Almaviva cocks his head. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Listen to me calmly. Don Almaviva shakes his head. DON ALMAVIVA So, it’s not ‘Susanna’. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA No, dearest, it’s not Susanna. DON ALMAVIVA Then who the fuck is it? Tell me! I’ll kill him!! Signora Almaviva takes a deep breath. DON ALMAVIVA I’ll fucking kill him!! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA He’s just a child. Don Almaviva’s eyes widen in horror. DON ALMAVIVA Cherubino!! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA A harmless diversion -- DON ALMAVIVA Harmless to you maybe. To me? To my honor? In my own house? Under my own roof? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You’re insane! DON ALMAVIVA You’re a fucking whore! A fucking good for nothing fucking slut! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You don’t understand -- DON ALMAVIVA Understand? What’s to fucking understand? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA He’s undressed and -- DON ALMAVIVA What the fuck! Signora Almaviva tries to explain. Don Almaviva raises his open hand to stop her. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! Not another fucking word! Don Almaviva turns his handgun back to the dressing room doors. DON ALMAVIVA Open the fucking doors right fucking now, Cherubino, or I’ll come in fucking shooting. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Wait! Calm down! You don’t have to shoot the doors open! DON ALMAVIVA Why the fuck not! She takes the key out of her cleavage. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Because I have the key! He snatches the key and waves his gun in the air. DON ALMAVIVA I’m still going to fucking shoot Cherubino! He holds up the key and moves to slip it in the lock of the dressing room doors as they slowly open. Don Almaviva and Signora Almaviva look up in astonishment as Susanna steps out with a ribbon is her hand. DON ALMAVIVA/SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Susanna!!! Don Almaviva scratches his head with his handgun, confused. Susanna looks worried. SUSANNA Why on earth do you want to shoot Cherubino, Don Almaviva? Don Almaviva looks at his gun and blushes as he steps around her and into the dressing room. Signora Almaviva looks around, feeling faint. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I can’t breathe. Susanna catches her and helps her into a chair. Fans her as she gathers her senses. SUSANNA It must be the heat. Don Almaviva steps out of the dressing room completely perplexed. He slips his handgun into the pocket of his dressing gown. DON ALMAVIVA (to himself) How could I make such a fucking mistake? Me? Don Almaviva? He stands upright, proud. Formally addresses Susanna and his wife. DON ALMAVIVA I, Don Almaviva, have dishonored both of you. If I did you wrong, I ask for your -- SUSANNA Yes, Don Almaviva? He clears his throat. DON ALMAVIVA \-- forgiveness. Susanna smiles. DON ALMAVIVA But when you told me it was Cherubino in there. Such a heartless trick -- Signora Almaviva spits on the ground. DON ALMAVIVA Dearest, you know I love you -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Why taunt me? Why say what you no longer believe? DON ALMAVIVA I swear, I love you -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I’m a fucking whore! A fucking good for nothing fucking slut! DON ALMAVIVA I -- I -- I wasn’t thinking straight -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA This is how you reward my faithful heart? She spits on the ground twice. DON ALMAVIVA But you said Cherubino was -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA A test! Don Almaviva feebly slips the blue note out of his dressing gown pocket. DON ALMAVIVA And this -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Figaro wrote it and gave it to Professor Basilio. Don Almaviva’s blood rushes back to his head. DON ALMAVIVA Traitors! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA How can you ask for forgiveness when you’ve never give it? DON ALMAVIVA But -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Are you so selfish, so blind you can’t see what a hypocrite you’ve become? Don Almaviva drops to one knee. DON ALMAVIVA My love -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA You despise me. You neglect me. You don’t love me. DON ALMAVIVA One mistake -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA One! DON ALMAVIVA I wronged you. I’m a fool, a fucking fool. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA An ungrateful fool. Beat. Don Almaviva takes her hand. DON ALMAVIVA I’m sorry. He kisses her hand tenderly. FIGARO (O.C.) That’s beautiful. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA An ungrateful fool who doesn’t know how to ask for forgiveness. DON ALMAVIVA My love, look at me. Figaro steps in, filming with the new video camera pressed up to his eye. FIGARO Really, with the light coming in. Fucking beautiful! Don Almaviva is a little embarrassed to be caught on camera. Signora Almaviva is more than a little pleased. FIGARO Can you hear the band? Doesn’t it sound great? Don Almaviva gets up and dusts his knees. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA It’s an orchestra, Figaro. FIGARO It’s fantastic. Come on, hurry. We’ve got a wedding to go to. Figaro moves to step out as Don Almaviva yanks him back by the collar. DON ALMAVIVA Not so fast, Figaro. Signora Almaviva frowns at Don Almaviva, who pats down the back of Figaro’s collar and holds out the blue note. DON ALMAVIVA Do you recognize this? FIGARO Why are you asking me, Don Almaviva? DON ALMAVIVA What do you fucking mean ‘why’? FIGARO The guests are arriving, Don Almaviva! DON ALMAVIVA I don’t care! Answer the fucking question? FIGARO Which one, Don Almaviva? Don Almaviva blinks. Holds the blue note up. DON ALMAVIVA This note? Have you fucking seen it before? FIGARO Yes, Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA Yes, Figaro? FIGARO Yes, Don Almaviva. You had it this morning in the garden. In your pocket. Don’t you fucking remember. Figaro looks at the new video camera in his hand. FIGARO I’m sure it’s on the video. Do you want me to rewind, Don Almaviva? DON ALMAVIVA Enough with the fucking video camera. Figaro shrugs okay and turns the new video camera off. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro, did you write this fucking note? FIGARO What are you fucking asking me Don Almaviva? DON ALMAVIVA What do you fucking mean ‘what’? FIGARO We can’t keep the guests waiting, Don Almaviva. It’s fucking rude. I know how much you fucking value good manners. I won’t keep them waiting for you another fucking minute. Figaro boldly steps out the door leaving Don Almaviva dumbfounded. Beat. Figaro crisply steps in backwards, with a very large pair of very sharp hedge clippers almost up his nose. The clippers are being held like a divining rod by ANTONIO, 57, the drunken gardener. Everyone leans back when Antonio lurches in. He’s been with the Almaviva family longer than anyone can remember. The more he drinks, the more he stutters. Antonio is very emotional about his gardening. ANTONIO My G-G-God! S-s-such a c-c-cruel God! He rattles his clippers to the heavens. Everyone ducks. ANTONIO Why have you f-f-forsaken me! DON ALMAVIVA Jesus, Antonio. Put the fucking clippers down before you fucking hurt somebody! Antonio is still talking to God. ANTONIO You sh-sh-shouldn’t cast out naked l-l-ladies out from h-h-heaven! Onto my h-h-hedge! You’re a c-c-cruel G-G-God!!! DON ALMAVIVA Antonio, what the fuck are you talking about? Antonio whirls around to look at Don Almaviva, clippers arcing before him. Everyone draws breath to avoid being slashed. Antonio looks at Don Almaviva, swaying. His mouth collapses and he begins crying. ANTONIO The f-f-family c-c-rest, the f-f-family hedge is r-r-ruined. He pulls out a broken branch from the smashed topiary hedge that had been clipped into the shape the Almaviva family crest. ANTONIO A young n-n-naked lady f-f-fell out of the s-s-sky onto it j-j-just b-b-before. Susanna looks at the floor and then frantically at Figaro. ANTONIO I s-s-saw it with my own e-e-eyes. DON ALMAVIVA Antonio, have you been drinking? Beat. Antonio opens his mouth and wails. ANTONIO My f-f-favorite h-h-hedge!! DON ALMAVIVA Antonio, where did this young lady run off to? Antonio swipes the air with his clippers. Everyone reels back. ANTONIO F-f-fucked if I know! Antonio continues reeling back and falls onto Signora Almaviva’s bed where he promptly falls into a drunken sleep. Figaro steps into his place. FIGARO I can explain everything? DON ALMAVIVA You can explain everything? Figaro looks at Susanna. FIGARO Antonio is mistaken. It was me. I jumped from the balcony. DON ALMAVIVA What the fuck are you jumping from the balcony for? FIGARO I was in a hurry to get to the garden. Figaro rubs his ankle, screws up his face and limps a bit. FIGARO I twisted my ankle. Antonio hiccups and sits up from the bed. ANTONIO Then you must have dropped th-th-this! He holds out Cherubino’s commission on red note paper for Figaro but Don Almaviva snatches it. Antonio burps and falls back on the bed, asleep. Don Almaviva unfolds the commission, reads it and folds it back again. He smiles at Figaro. DON ALMAVIVA And what is this, Figaro? Figaro starts patting his pockets. FIGARO I have so many -- Antonio hiccups and sits up from the bed again. ANTONIO Probably a list of his d-d-debts! Antonio burps and falls back on the bed, asleep again. Don Almaviva holds up the folded commission. Behind him, Susanna and Signora Almaviva frantically act out Cherubino’s commission. Figaro points at the commission Don Almaviva is holding. FIGARO That -- one? Don Almaviva smiles and nods. Figaro tries to interpret Susanna and Signora Almaviva’s delirious charade. Antonio hiccups and sits up from the bed once more. DON ALMAVIVA Antonio, go to sleep! Antonio burps and falls back on the bed, asleep once more. Figaro smiles. FIGARO Why -- that’s -- Cherubino’s -- commission -- Don Almaviva scowls. FIGARO That -- he -- gave -- me -- DON ALMAVIVA What the fuck for? Behind Don Almaviva, Susanna and Signora Almaviva are furiously holding up their palms and signing them in midair. FIGARO To -- get -- the -- bill -- DON ALMAVIVA What fucking bill? FIGARO To -- get -- the -- tip -- DON ALMAVIVA Tip? Figaro finally works out what Susanna and Signora Almaviva are trying to signal. FIGARO \-- signature -- Susanna and Signora Almaviva silently rejoice. FIGARO To get the signature! To get your signature!! DON ALMAVIVA I heard you the first time, Figaro. Don Almaviva unfolds the commission and sees he actually hasn’t signed it. FIGARO I believe it’s customary to sign such a commission, Don Almaviva. Don Almaviva smiles back. There’s no way he’s going to lose face in front of everyone. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro, I’m aware of the fucking protocol. He screws up the commission on red note paper. DON ALMAVIVA I was just toying with the boy! He throws the screwed up red note paper over his shoulder and walks out into the hallway. Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro follow him out. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva fumes. Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro happily follow a step or two behind. Two large and tired FURNITURE MOVERS in overalls trudge down the hallway struggling with a large deluxe king size hand-carved mahogany bedhead wrapped in thick plastic towards the new bedroom. Fuming cigarettes still dangling from their mouths. FURNITURE MOVERS Pardon us! Don Almaviva is squashed up against the wall to let them pass. As are Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro. FURNITURE MOVERS Excuse us! They pass. Don Almaviva, Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro straighten themselves up and walk on. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Don Almaviva! Don Almaviva!! Yoohoo!! Marchesa Marcellina waddles up the hallway with Dr. Bartolo in tow. Still clutching her uptight Pedrillo. Don Almaviva is delighted to see them. DON ALMAVIVA Marchesa Marcellina! Doctor Bartolo! He kisses Marchesa Marcellina on both cheeks. DON ALMAVIVA Marchesa, your beauty blinds me. She blushes and playfully slaps him on the arm. He clutches Dr. Bartolo’s right hand and shakes it vigorously. DON ALMAVIVA Doctor, it’s been too long. Marchesa Marcellina plucks the folded gray contract from Dr. Bartolo’s other hand. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Of course, you know why we’re here. DON ALMAVIVA Yes, the contract. Don Almaviva takes the contract, unfolds it and studies it closely. Figaro takes Susanna’s hand and moves to leave quietly. Don Almaviva doesn’t look up. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro, I wouldn’t be going anywhere. This concerns you. Marchesa Marcellina nods at the contract. MARCHESA MARCELLINA As you can see it’s clear as day. DR. BARTOLO It’s completely legal. MARCHESA MARCELLINA He either repays me the money he owes me -- DR. BARTOLO \-- with interest -- MARCHESA MARCELLINA \-- or he marries me. Marchesa Marcellina looks down her nose at Susanna. Don Almaviva smiles. DON ALMAVIVA It’s certainly Figaro’s signature. DR. BARTOLO Signed and sealed. SUSANNA Figaro! FIGARO Susanna, it’s a simple misunderstanding! DR. BARTOLO Figaro, I’m a doctor of law. There’s no misinterpretation! FIGARO It’s a fucking miscomprehension! DON ALMAVIVA Owh! Stop fucking arguing! Marchesa Marcellina covers her Pekinese’s tiny ears. Don Almaviva holds up the gray contract. DON ALMAVIVA This is a point of law, a point of order! We’re not savages here! Two large and tired FURNITURE MOVERS in overalls trudge down the hallway, each carrying a large deluxe crystal bedside lamp wrapped in thick plastic towards the new bedroom. Fuming cigarettes still dangling from their mouths. FURNITURE MOVERS Pardon us! Don Almaviva, Marchesa Marcellina, Dr. Bartolo Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro are crushed up against the wall to let them pass. FURNITURE MOVERS Excuse us! They pass. Don Almaviva, Marchesa Marcellina, Dr. Bartolo Signora Almaviva, Susanna and Figaro dust themselves off and regain their composure. Don Almaviva smooths out the crushed gray contract. DON ALMAVIVA Everything must be done in the proper order. We have to take this to Judge Curzio to decide. Until then, the only proper thing to do is -- Don Almaviva clears his throat. DON ALMAVIVA \-- postpone the wedding! Figaro and Susanna reel in disappointment. Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo smile at each other. Signora Almaviva swoons and is about to faint again. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - MAIN KITCHEN - LATER Pristine kitchen with every conceivable modern convenience. All bright, shiny metal surfaces. Signora Almaviva is busy sharpening an already very sharp carving knife. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA We can’ risk Cherubino. I shall go in your place tonight to meet Don Almaviva. It will be I who will be dressed as ‘you’. SUSANNA But Figaro? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Not a word to your Figaro. This is between us, Susanna. Signora Almaviva stops sharpening the knife and holds it upright to make her point. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I want to catch my ungrateful husband with my own hands. Susanna smiles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Tell him to meet you tonight in the garden. Susanna start to leaves. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Susanna! Susanna stops. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA My happiness is in your words. Susanna hurries off. Signora Almaviva slowly starts sharpening the knife again. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - POOL HOUSE - INDOOR POOL - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva is near the steam room door, stabbing the switch on the intercom. It hums and buzzes and crackles. He’s still dressed in satin dressing gown, singlet and slippers. Through the windows outside the pool house, Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo are stabbing an external intercom without getting through to him. They shrug their shoulders at Don Almaviva. Don Almaviva shakes his head in frustration until he spots Susanna approaching. DON ALMAVIVA Susanna, my dear, what brings you down here? SUSANNA Smelling salts for your wife, Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA Not for you, Susanna? SUSANNA Why should I be feeling faint, Don Almaviva? DON ALMAVIVA To lose your groom on your wedding day. To think about it even makes me a little dizzy. Don Almaviva chuckles to himself. SUSANNA Why would I lose Figaro when I can pay off Marchesa Marcellina with the money you promised me. Don Almaviva coughs. DON ALMAVIVA Money I promised you? SUSANNA This morning in the garden. Have you forgotten already? Don Almaviva smooths down his mustache. DON ALMAVIVA I don’t remember us coming to an agreement, Susanna. Susanna smiles demurely. SUSANNA Figaro need never know. It can be just between us. It can be our little secret. Don Almaviva smiles back. DON ALMAVIVA Susanna, you cruel girl. Why wait until now? SUSANNA Don Almaviva, a woman needs a little time to be sure. DON ALMAVIVA You can’t fucking rush love. SUSANNA Not in so many words. DON ALMAVIVA So tonight you’ll come to the garden? Susanna leaves. SUSANNA Will you come first? DON ALMAVIVA Don’t tease me, Susanna. SUSANNA Or should I come first? DON ALMAVIVA Don’t make me beg, Susanna. SUSANNA Do I even need to come? DON ALMAVIVA Come, come. Beat. SUSANNA I’ll come. Don Almaviva claps and rubs his hands together in glee. Then motions Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo who are pointing to the intercom outside to come join him inside. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - POOL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Susanna spots a despondent Figaro approaching the pool house. She stops him by the intercom. FIGARO Susanna -- She places her index finger on his lips. SUSANNA Sshhh! There’s no need to worry, Figaro. Our case is won. FIGARO Won? SUSANNA Even without a lawyer. FIGARO Won!? SUSANNA Won! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - POOL HOUSE - INDOOR POOL - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva is hunched over the crackling intercom. DON ALMAVIVA Won!! He starts slapping the intercom as Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo approach. Dr. Bartolo has the gray contract in hand. Don Almaviva is taking his anger out on the intercom. DON ALMAVIVA We’ll see who’s fucking won. We’ll see. He slaps the intercom again. DON ALMAVIVA Think you can make a fool out of Don Almaviva? Think I don’t know what you’re fucking up to, Figaro? Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo arrive. Don Almaviva keeps slapping the intercom. DON ALMAVIVA Who are you? A nothing! A fucking nobody! I took you in and this is how you thank me, Figaro? You fucking betray me? The minute my back is fucking turned -- FIGARO (O.C.) \-- Don Almaviva? Don Almaviva snaps around. Marchesa Marcellina, Dr. Bartolo and Figaro are staring at him. FIGARO Who are you fucking talking to? MARCHESA MARCELLINA Language, young man! Language!! Don Almaviva stands tall. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro, so happy you could join us. Don Almaviva nods to Marchesa Marcellina and Dr. Bartolo. DON ALMAVIVA Marchesa Marcellina! Doctor Bartolo! They nods in return. DON ALMAVIVA Time to put and end to this fucking farce! Pedrillo snarls and yelps. DON ALMAVIVA Dr. Bartolo, you have the original contract. Dr. Bartolo holds up the folded gray contract with a sly smile. DR. BARTOLO Everything is in order, Don Almaviva. Don Almaviva opens the heavy door to the steam room. Clouds of steam escape with a sigh. They step inside into the swirling steam. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - POOL HOUSE - STEAM ROOM - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva, Marchesa Marcellina, Dr. Bartolo and Figaro wade through the steam. It’s hard to see who’s who in the mist. Pedrillo sneezes. Steam clears to reveal JUDGE CURZIO, 107, hunched over a marble bench. Draped in sodden towels, wheezing with every breath. Judge Curzio looks up with a snarl. He wears black sunglasses with lenses so thick and dark there’s no way he can see out of them. Don Almaviva smiles wanly. DON ALMAVIVA Judge Curzio. Dr. Bartolo bows and hands him the folded gray contract. DR. BARTOLO Your honor, the contract in question. Judge Curzio slowly takes it and painfully unfolds it. DON ALMAVIVA Take your time, Judge Curzio. There’s no rush as far as the honor of law is concerned. DR. BARTOLO Quite. All we ask, your honor, is that you impartially adjudicate the merits in due course and -- JUDGE CURZIO Pay her or marry her. Judge Curzio painfully folds up the gray contract. DR. BARTOLO Figaro is to pay the money owed or marry Marchesa Marcella? Judge Curzio painfully waves them away with the folded gray contract. JUDGE CURZIO That is all. There is nothing more to be decided. Figaro snatches the gray contract off Judge Curzio. FIGARO But that’s just one interpretation -- JUDGE CURZIO It is my interpretation. It is all that matters. Dr. Bartolo snatches the gray contract off Figaro. DR. BARTOLO An excellent judgement, your honor. FIGARO How is it excellent? I forthwith appeal! DR. BARTOLO Forthwith? DON ALMAVIVA The judgement is fair, Figaro. Either you pay Marchesa Marcellina or your marry Marchesa Marcellina. FIGARO I cannot pay because I don’t have the money. Don Almaviva shrugs. FIGARO But I cannot marry because I don’t the consent of my parents. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro, you’re an orphan. FIGARO You know I’m of noble blood, Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA The steam has gone to his brain. DR. BARTOLO Where are your noble parents, Figaro? MARCHESA MARCELLINA Who are your noble parents, Figaro? FIGARO I’ve spent what you lent me and more trying to find them. And I’ll keep looking until I do. Mark my words! JUDGE CURZIO Noble blood? Where is your proof. FIGARO The gold, the jewels encrusted in my clothes when Don Almaviva found me as newborn. JUDGE CURZIO here is your witness? DON ALMAVIVA Don Almaviva said it was a miracle the kidnappers didn’t steal my clothes and leave me to die. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Kidnappers! FIGARO I was stolen by thieving bandits. DR. BARTOLO Bandits! DON ALMAVIVA It’s true. I found him as a baby, named him and raised him as my own. JUDGE CURZIO Clothes are no sign of noble blood. FIGARO Then what of the birthmark on my right arm? Marchesa Marcellina almost drops Pedrillo. MARCHESA MARCELLINA An exclamation mark!! FIGARO Who told you? Marchesa Marcellina turns to Dr. Bartolo as Figaro rolls up his sleeve. Wisps of steam part as everyone sees the birthmark on Figaro’s forearm that looks uncannily like an exclamation mark. Marchesa Marcellina loudly gasps. Draws both her hands to her mouth. Pedrillo drops to the ground with a yelp. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Oh my God, it’s you!! Figaro looks a little confused. FIGARO It’s me? DON ALMAVIVA It’s who? MARCHESA MARCELLINA It’s you!! It’s you!! Marchesa Marcellina excitedly rolls up her sleeve. Wisps of steam part as everyone sees the birthmark on her forearm matches the vertical bar of Figaro’s exclamation mark. DR. BARTOLO There stands your mother, Figaro. DON ALMAVIVA His mother! Dr. Bartolo deliberately rolls up his sleeve. Wisps of steam part as everyone sees the birthmark on his forearm that matches the full point of Figaro’s exclamation mark. MARCHESA MARCELLINA And there stands your father, Figaro. DON ALMAVIVA His father!! Don Almaviva is dumbstruck. Marchesa Marcellina embraces Figaro. She starts weeping with joy. JUDGE CURZIO He cannot marry his mother. DON ALMAVIVA What?! JUDGE CURZIO It is against the law. It is against God. Don Almaviva shakes his fist at the heavens. DON ALMAVIVA It’s against me! Don Almaviva storms off into the steam and disappears. Marchesa Marcellina holds her son tighter. Dr. Bartolo looks on with pride. Susanna steps in and looks on with horror. SUSANNA Figaro!! FIGARO Susanna!! SUSANNA I came to pay your debt and I find you beside yourself with joy to wed this old witch. FIGARO Susanna, wait! SUSANNA Wait! It’s not me who should wait, Figaro! You can’t even keep your hands of her! Susanna storms off, crying. SUSANNA Bastard! Figaro grabs her. FIGARO Susanna, listen! She smacks his ears. SUSANNA Listen to that, you bastard! Susanna sobs. SUSANNA How could you choose her over me? We were to be married today? You said you loved me? Susanna howls at Marchesa Marcellina. SUSANNA I hate you. I fucking hate you. Marchesa Marcellina begins tearing up the gray contract into tiny pieces. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Susanna, I’m not his bride. I’m his mother. DR. BARTOLO His mother! Susanna smothers her tears and looks at Figaro. SUSANNA Your mother? FIGARO And this is my father. SUSANNA Your father? MARCHESA MARCELLINA His father! Beat. Dr. Bartolo dabs at a tear of joy in the corner of his eye. FIGARO Susanna, we will still marry today. MARCHESA MARCELLINA When I will become your mother too. DR. BARTOLO And I your father. Susanna smiles at Dr. Bartolo. SUSANNA Father? Dr. Bartolo nods. Susanna looks at Marchesa Marcellina. SUSANNA Mother? Marchesa Marcellina nods. Susanna looks at Figaro. SUSANNA Figaro? FIGARO My love. Susanna embraces Figaro. They kiss. Marchesa Marcellina throws the ripped up pieces of the gray contract over them like confetti. Susanna and Figaro look up and smile. Dr. Bartolo gets down on one knee and takes Marchesa Marcellina’s hand. DR. BARTOLO I’ve been a fool. I’ve put too much faith in work and not enough in love. Marchesa Marcellina blushes. DR. BARTOLO Here, in front of my son and my daughter to be, I ask you only one thing. Will you marry me? Marchesa Marcellina smiles and nods happily. MARCHESA MARCELLINA When? DR. BARTOLO When you wish? MARCHESA MARCELLINA Tonight! Susanna claps. SUSANNA/FIGARO A double wedding!! They all laugh and cheer. And leave arm in arm. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Signora Almaviva is at her dressing table, sadly turning the pages of her wedding album. She sighs. The faint pink roses in her crystal vase are drying. She sadly looks over photos of her wedding day on the Almaviva Estate 20 years earlier. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Where have all the beautiful moments gone? The vows of love, broken time and time again? She looks at a photo of herself in her bridal gown, arm in arm with a beaming Don Almaviva outside their chapel in the pines. They are deeply in love. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA And still the memories of happiness have not faded from my heart. She looks closely at Don Almaviva. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Even while your ungrateful tongue deceives me, even while my pleasure turns to tears. She touches the edge of the photo. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Even while my joy turns to grief, my love. She gently touches his face. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Why do I still want you to love me? ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - GARDENER’S COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva is shaking his head, slowly and bitterly. Disappointed and a little disgusted. He’s still dressed in satin dressing gown, singlet and slippers. Antonio holds up a pair of red nylons and high heel red shoes. ANTONIO It was n-n-no n-n-naked lady! It was Ch-Ch-Ch-- DON ALMAVIVA Cherubino!! ANTONIO Ch-ch-changing his c-c-clothes in my h-h-house! Don Almaviva looks left and right. DON ALMAVIVA The fucking little rat’s still on the estate? ANTONIO Ch-ch-chasing my B-b-barbarina! DON ALMAVIVA Let’s find him, Antonio. He leaves. DON ALMAVIVA Bring your clippers! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS There’s a knock at the bedroom door. Signora Almaviva wipes away a single tear, closes the wedding album and pushes it away. A light breezes lifts the curtains either side of the french doors to the balcony. Bedroom door opens and Susanna enters. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Susanna, how is that husband of mine? SUSANNA Angry! Indignant! Bewildered! Signora Almaviva suppresses a laugh. SUSANNA And now two weddings instead of none. Signora Almaviva claps. SUSANNA Signora Almaviva, I’ve never seem him so upset. He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Exactly where we want him, Susanna. Where did you say you’d meet him tonight? SUSANNA In the garden. Signora Almaviva takes a sheet of rose pink note paper. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA That’s perfect. Let’s fix the place. She hands the sheet to Susanna with a pen. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Write to him. SUSANNA Write to him? Signora Almaviva dictates. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA How sweet the breeze ... Susanna writes it down. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Will be this tender night ... Susanna writes it down. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Under the swaying pines ... Susanna writes it down. Signora Almaviva smiles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA The rest he’ll understand. Signora Almaviva sprays perfume over the rose pink note. Susanna sniffs the perfumed paper and smiles to herself as she rolls the note. Signora Almaviva slips the diamond pin out of her dress and seals the note with it. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Tell Don Almaviva to return the diamond pin to you only if he agrees to meet tonight. Sounds of Female Florists approaching down the hallway. Susanna slips the rolled up rose pink note into her cleavage as Female Florists enter laden with roses and flowers. They begin placing them all over the bedroom. BARBARINA, 17, is Antonio’s beautiful daughter. She steps up to Susanna and coyly hands her a traditional wedding posy of stephanotis, sweet peaks, lilies of the valley, orchids and tiny red roses. Susanna gracefully accepts it. SUSANNA Thank you, Barbarina. BARBARINA We offer all these flowers with all our hearts. SUSANNA They’re so beautiful. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA So pretty. She cocks her head as she recognizes Cherubino dressed as a girl in makeup hiding amongst the Florists. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA And who is that charming girl? Cherubino holds up a bouquet of faint pink roses to cover his face. BARBARINA Which one, Signora Almaviva? Signora Almaviva points out Cherubino. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA The shy one. Beat. BARBARINA That’s my best friend, Signora Almaviva. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Strange I’ve not met her before. Where are my manners? She beckons Cherubino over. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Come, let me have your flowers. Cherubino steps to her as other Florists move with him. He demurely hands her the flowers as he looks down at the floor. She takes his hand. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Such delicate hands. She kisses his forehead. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Such smooth skin. She smiles. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Such fine charms. Cherubino demurely steps back into the Florists. SUSANNA How she blushes, Signora Almaviva. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA How she resembles someone we know, Susanna. SUSANNA How remarkable. Don Almaviva sweeps into the room. He’s still dressed in satin dressing gown, singlet and slippers. DON ALMAVIVA Ladies! Florists nod coyly as Don Almaviva looks over the bedroom. Antonio totters in with clippers in hand and trips over Pussy who screeches and scurries away. Antonio screeches, loses his balance and tumbles to the floor. As he grabs his clippers he sees a pair of young man’s feet clad in sports shoes trying to hide behind the legs of the young women. ANTONIO Ch-ch-cherubino!! Florists reel back, leaving Cherubino standing all alone in a dress. Don Almaviva smirks at his wife. DON ALMAVIVA Well, what do you have to say for yourself now? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA I’m as annoyed and astonished as you. DON ALMAVIVA You are? She crosses her arms and shakes her head at Cherubino. DON ALMAVIVA But this morning -- SIGNORA ALMAVIVA This morning we wanted to dress him up as he is now for tonight’s party. DON ALMAVIVA What the fuck for? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA To cheer you up! DON ALMAVIVA A joke? Cherubino grins anxiously. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Something to lighten your mood. An innocent prank. A little surprise. She wags her finger at Cherubino. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA It was supposed to be a secret. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! No more secrets! Don Almaviva looks Cherubino carefully up and down. DON ALMAVIVA Cherubino, don’t move! Don Almaviva start looks around the floor. DON ALMAVIVA Where did I put that commission? He steps out into the hallway looking for the commission on red note paper he’d thrown away earlier. Barbarina hurries after him. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - SIGNORA ALMAVIVA’S BEDROOM - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva looks everywhere for the commission on red note paper. BARBARINA Don Almaviva, you can’t banish Cherubino! DON ALMAVIVA My child, I can do whatever I like. BARBARINA I know that only too well, Don Almaviva. Don Almaviva looks at her out the corner of his eye. BARBARINA How many times you promised me whatever I wanted when you kissed and caressed me -- DON ALMAVIVA Ssshhhh -- BARBARINA When you’ve loved me -- Don Almaviva motions Barbarina to quieten down. He glances over at his wife and smiles and nods. Signora Almaviva can’t quite make out what Barbarina and her husband are talking about. DON ALMAVIVA I promised you whatever you wanted? Barbarina nods defiantly. BARBARINA And what I want is Cherubino! Don Almaviva winces and looks at his wife. BARBARINA I want to marry Cherubino!! Don Almaviva slowly turns back to Barbarina. He sighs and nods. DON ALMAVIVA Why is everybody getting everyone they want today except me? BARBARINA But I’ll still love you, Don Almaviva. Hope springs eternal for Don Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA You’ll still love me? Barbarina saunters back into the bedroom, hips lightly swinging. Glances over her shoulder at Don Almaviva. BARBARINA Like I love my kitten. Don Almaviva’s shoulders drop. Barbarina rushes to Cherubino, embraces him and whispers in his ear. Figaro leads the Florists out of the bedroom. FIGARO Don Almaviva, if you keep all these girls here, there’ll be no party, no dancing -- DON ALMAVIVA You want to dance, Figaro? Figaro smiles. DON ALMAVIVA With your twisted ankle? Figaro looks down at his ankle, shakes it. Then smiles broadly at it. FIGARO Complete recovery! Don Almaviva looks sideways at Antonio. Figaro gathers some of the Florists. FIGARO Come on, we’ve got two weddings to celebrate. Don Almaviva stops him. DON ALMAVIVA The hedge must have broken your fucking fall. FIGARO Or me the fucking hedge. Susanna and Signora Almaviva are desperately trying to signal Figaro without anyone else noticing. DON ALMAVIVA What were you wearing when you jumped, Figaro? Figaro is startled by the question. FIGARO Me? DON ALMAVIVA Who the fuck else? ANTONIO Ch-Ch-Cherubino!! DON ALMAVIVA Owh!! Antonio, shut the fuck up!! Figaro smiles. FIGARO Cherubino? DON ALMAVIVA Cherubino admitted to us this morning that he jumped out of the fucking balcony? FIGARO That’s right. DON ALMAVIVA That’s right? FIGARO We both jumped out of the balcony? DON ALMAVIVA Both of you? Figaro moves to leave. FIGARO You just jump, Don Almaviva! Gravity does the rest! Susanna takes Figaro’s arm and leaves. Barbarina takes Cherubino arm and leaves. Florists leave. Antonio follows them out, scratching his head. Signora Almaviva and Don Almaviva are left standing side by side like in their wedding photo from 20 years ago. Signora Almaviva is dressed elegantly as ever. Don Almaviva is still dressed in satin dressing gown, singlet and slippers. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - CHAPEL - LATER Signora Almaviva is dressed elegantly as ever, her hair perfectly coiled above her head. Not a strand out of place. Don Almaviva is dressed in black satin dress coat, vest and pants. He’s tugging at the collar of his dress shirt. A satin cravat embroidered with the Almaviva family crest is held in place in with a gold pin. PRIEST, 87, is mumbling the traditional wedding vows off camera. It’s hard to make out what he’s saying. Don Almaviva whispers to Signora Almaviva. DON ALMAVIVA Does this cravat make my fucking neck look fat? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Shhhh -- DON ALMAVIVA It must have shrunk! SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Shhhhh -- DON ALMAVIVA It used to fit fine. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Shhhhhh -- Don Almaviva looks away. Signora Almaviva clasps her hands together and sighs. PRIEST (O.C.) You may now kiss the -- Don Almaviva shakes his head. PRIEST (O.C.) \-- brides! Susanna in a white bridal gown and Figaro clasp hands. Marchesa Marcellina in a white bridal gown and Dr. Bartolo clasp hands. Barbarina in a white bridal gown and Cherubino clasp hands. They all kiss. Cheering and clapping breaks out from all the WEDDING GUESTS. All three brides and grooms keep kissing. More cheering and clapping. Don Almaviva and Signora Almaviva are standing behind the brides and grooms. CHINESE GANGSTERS, WIVES and GIRLFRIENDS take up the left side of the chapel. ITALIAN MOBSTERS, WIVES and GIRLFRIENDS take up the right side of the chapel. Above them circular fans are furiously spinning and cooling the hot air. Everyone is clapping and cheering. All three brides and grooms break from their kiss. More clapping and cheering. All the grooms are dressing in traditional black. Marchesa Marcellina wears a diamond pin from Signora Almaviva. All three brides turn and toss their traditional wedding posies high into the crowd. So high that all three posies hit the blades of the spinning fans and shower everyone with petals. More wild cheering as petals flutter down, reflecting rays of light. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - BANQUET HALL - LATER Reflected rays of light glimmer down from the disco balls rotating above the guests. Sounds of party in full swing, orchestra blaring. Everyone is dancing or feasting or chattering or gossiping or laughing or drinking or singing or joking. Everyone is hopping from guest to guest, group to group, table to table. Don Almaviva sits at the main table by himself with Pedrillo licking a plate, the only person bored with the festivities. He pops a candied almond in his mouth. Susanna dances up to Don Almaviva in her bridal gown. He lights up when he sees her. She moves closer and slips the rolled up rose pink note from her cleavage. She makes sure she’s not being seen and then passes it to him. He smiles and takes it as if sharing a secret. She leans into him and whispers in his ear. His smile widens. She leaves and joins the dancing guests. Figaro and Marchesa Marcellina enter the banquet hall. He is showing her the new video camera. Figaro starts filming and spots Don Almaviva furtively trying to open the rolled up rose pink note. He pricks his thumb on the diamond pin. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! He looks around to make sure no one has seen him embarrass himself. He doesn’t notice the video camera. He looks at the tiny pin prick on his thumb as if it’s a bullet wound. He presses his thumb in pain. He shakes it. He sucks it. Content he’s not going to bleed to death, Don Almaviva reads the note with growing satisfaction. He calls Barbarina over, hands her the diamond pin and whispers in her ear. Then sits back and gloats. Figaro turns off the video camera, shakes his head and laughs to himself as Mozzarella passes by. MOZZARELLA Figaro, what the fuck’s fucking wrong? FIGARO Nothing, Mozzarella. It’s Don Almaviva. Already lining up the next girl. MOZZARELLA That’s his fucking style. If it’s not fucking nailed down, he’s going to fuck it! Jimmy Spaghettini whistles Figaro and Mozzarella over to the table he’s sitting at with HEAVY CHINESE GANGSTER, LITTLE CHINESE GANGSTER and COCK-EYED CHINESE GANGSTER. Figaro and Mozzarella step over. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Want to see something fucking impressive? Figaro and Mozzarella nod. Jimmy Spaghettini turns to Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Unzip and fucking take it out! Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster looks at him dumbly. Jimmy Spaghettini shakes his head at Figaro and Mozzarella and then reiterates each word louder. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Unzip - and - fucking - take - it - out!! Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster looks at him dumbly. Jimmy Spaghettini rolls his eyes and then reiterates each syllable louder still. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Un - zip - and - fuck - ing - take - it - out!!! Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster suddenly understands and nods and grins and pulls out a red gun pouch. Unzips it and draws out a silver . 387 automatic handgun. It’s all shiny and new. And it’s big. FIGARO/MOZZARELLA Fuuuuccck!! Jimmy Spaghettini nods, impressed. JIMMY SPAGHETTINI Made in Fucking China! Sounds of feedback screeching. Orchestra winds down in the middle of a song. More feedback shrieking as Don Almaviva takes a microphone. DON ALMAVIVA Owh!! Careful, it bites!! Pedrillo snarls and yelps and paws the air. Don Almaviva laughs at his own joke. As do some of the more POLITE GUESTS. Glimmers of reflected light from the disco balls flitter and spin over the guests. DON ALMAVIVA One day, three fucking weddings! Who would have thought! He clears his throat. DON ALMAVIVA Signora Almaviva and myself would like to welcome each and everyone one of you to this simple celebration. Everyone claps. DON ALMAVIVA And my humble home. Everyone cheers. DON ALMAVIVA We’re all fucking family now. Which were I come from, means only one thing. He arcs his arm dramatically into the air. DON ALMAVIVA Mi casa è tu casa. Everyone rejoices wildly. Orchestra winds up again from the middle of the song. Pussy paws the glimmers of reflected light spinning from the disco ball. Move up the glimmers of light. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: ALMAVIVA ESTATE - HEDGE MAZE - LATER Glimmers of light become the glimmering stars in the night sky. Clouds sail past the full moon. Move down to Barbarina outside the maze entrance, frantically searching for something on the lawn. She is crying to herself. BARBARINA I’ve lost it! I’ve lost it! Figaro enters with his newfound mother. FIGARO Barbarina, why are you crying? BARBARINA I’ve lost it! MARCHESA MARCELLINA What have you lost? BARBARINA The diamond pin Don Almaviva gave me to return to Susanna. FIGARO To Susanna? Barbarina nods as she keeps searching. Figaro’s blood starts to boil. FIGARO The pin? Barbarina turns away from Figaro and keeps searching. BARBARINA Don’t be angry at me, Figaro. FIGARO How could I be angry at you, Barbarina? He slips the diamond pin off his mother’s bridal gown and drops it on the ground. FIGARO When there are so many other people I could be angry with? Barbarina keeps searching. Figaro squats down and picks up the pin he just dropped. FIGARO A diamond pin like this one, Barbarina? She turns around and sees it, relieved. BARBARINA That’s it! Figaro hands it to her. FIGARO You better get it to Susanna. BARBARINA Bless you, Figaro. Barbarina goes to leave but then stops and turns back to him. BARBARINA Don’t breathe a word of this. I promised Don Almaviva no one would know. FIGARO Not a word. Barbarina hurries off. Figaro turns to his mother. FIGARO It’s fucking over! MARCHESA MARCELLINA Son, calm yourself. FIGARO It’s fucking over, I tell you! All over! MARCHESA MARCELLINA Son, you’re rushing to conclusions. FIGARO Mother, I saw him reading the note. I saw him handing over the pin!! Marchesa Marcellina shakes her head. FIGARO This is my honor at stake here! This is the honor of all husbands! Figaro storms off. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Son, where are you going? FIGARO I’m going to avenge all husbands!! She sighs and shakes her head. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - MAIN HOUSE - BANQUET HALL - CONTINUOUS Tony The Fish is at a table playing papers-scissors-rock with Heavy Chinese Gangster. He’s just won $1000 and he’s chuckling. Mozzarella and Jimmy Spaghettini have picked up few side bets off Little Chinese Gangster and Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster. They’re cackling amongst themselves as more bets are furiously laid when they see Figaro arrive. They beckon him to join the game. Figaro shakes his head. He picks up something large and silver and new and struggles to fit it inside his jacket. Mozzarella and Jimmy Spaghettini try to talk him down. Figaro storms off towards Dr. Bartolo and Prof. Basilio. Mozzarella and Jimmy Spaghettini look to Tony The Fish who shrugs his shoulders with his palms open. Heavy Chinese Gangster throws a pair of scissors. Then laughs like a bear as he scissors his fingers into Tony The Fish’s open palm. TONY THE FISH Owh!! Little Chinese Gangster and Cock-Eyed Chinese Gangster scoop up the cash. Mozzarella and Jimmy Spaghettini throw up their hands. Fresh bets are laid. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - SECRET GARDEN - CONTINUOUS Clouds veil the full moon. Marchesa Marcellina tries to find her way in the dark. She whispers into the night. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Susanna!? Susanna!? Bushes move. Marchesa Marcellina parts the bushes and sees Susanna tossing her wedding veil to one side and begin unbuttoning her bridal gown. Marchesa Marcellina’s eyes widen as she looks to one side. Next to Susanna stands Signora Almaviva uncoiling her hair and taking off her gown. Susanna steps out of her bridal gown and glances at Signora Almaviva in her lingerie. Signora Almaviva steps out of her gown and glances at Susanna in her lingerie. Beat. They smile. Beat. They swap gowns. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA Time to teach that faithless husband of mine a lesson in love. Signora Almaviva slips on Susanna’s bridal gown. Susanna slips on Signora Almaviva’s gown. Marchesa Marcellina falls through the bush. SUSANNA Marchesa Marcellina! MARCHESA MARCELLINA Susanna, dear, I’m afraid your husband has entirely the wrong idea. Susanna is coiling her hair above her head. SUSANNA Figaro? What do you mean? MARCHESA MARCELLINA That newfound son of mine is convinced you are meeting Don Almaviva under the stars tonight. SUSANNA It’s not Figaro we aim to convince. Signora Almaviva puts on the white wedding veil. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA It’s that ungrateful husband of mine. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Figaro is enraged with jealousy. I fear he’ll do something stupid. SUSANNA It won’t be the first time. Marchesa Marcellina shakes her head. MARCHESA MARCELLINA What’s wrong with these men? Why can’t they just love us? Why must they carry on so? Signora Almaviva straightens the wedding veil. MARCHESA MARCELLINA Is it so hard to love? SIGNORA ALMAVIVA They think they’re beyond love. Susanna shakes her head. MARCHESA MARCELLINA They think too much and feel too little. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - PINES - BUSHES - CONTINUOUS More clouds cover the moon. Figaro, Dr. Bartolo and Prof. Basilio make their way through the darkness, hunched and furtive. Prof. Basilio heads straight into a tree. PROF. BASILIO Aagghhhhh!! FIGARO Shhhhhhh!! Figaro has his right hand poised under his jacket, ready to whip out a gun. PROF. BASILIO I can’t see a thing! DR. BARTOLO Son, what are we doing out here? FIGARO Avenging all wronged husbands, once and for fucking all!! Dr. Bartolo looks at Prof. Basilio to see if he knows what Figaro is talking about. Prof. Basilio shrugs his shoulders. DR. BARTOLO We’re sneaking around like bandits? FIGARO Sssshhhh!! Prof. Basilio walks into another tree. Birds flap out of the branches. He lets out a silent scream. FIGARO Sssssshhhhhh!! Prof. Basilio rubs his head. FIGARO You’ll see the treachery unfold with your own eyes. Susanna and Don Almaviva as one under the moonlight. DR. BARTOLO But Don Almaviva has relinquished his droit de seigneur. FIGARO And that’s what breaks my fucking heart! My virtuous bride! Figaro spits on the ground. DR. BARTOLO Son, where is this -- Prof. Basilio clears his throat. DR. BARTOLO \-- union to take place. Figaro dramatically parts a bush and points into the darkness. FIGARO Right there! DR. BARTOLO Right where! FIGARO There! DR. BARTOLO Where! FIGARO Under the fucking pines! Dr. Bartolo can’t see anything. DR. BARTOLO Son, I’m getting a torch! Dr. Bartolo leaves into the darkness. PROF. BASILIO Figaro, I’m getting aspirin! Prof. Basilio follows Dr. Bartolo into the darkness. FIGARO Father! Professor Basilio! Wait! Don’t go! Don’t leave me here alone! ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - CONTINUOUS Clouds embrace the moon. Dr. Bartolo and Prof. Basilio stagger through the darkness. PROF. BASILIO Figaro’s lost his mind. DR. BARTOLO Over what? PROF. BASILIO Over nothing? Susanna’s made her decision! What can Figaro do? DR. BARTOLO Take it like a man! PROF. BASILIO She’ll not be the first wife to deceive her husband. DR. BARTOLO Nor the last. PROF. BASILIO What’s to be gained by trifling with Don Almaviva? DR. BARTOLO Even if Figaro wins, he’ll lose. PROF. BASILIO Do you remember when you were young, Doctor Bartolo? DR. BARTOLO I don’t believe I ever was young, Professor Basilio. PROF. BASILIO When your heart ruled your head? When you didn’t give a damn for consequences? DR. BARTOLO Bold and stupid is no way to get through life. PROF. BASILIO Is cowardly and smart any better? Dr. Bartolo walks straight into a tree. ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - PINES - BUSHES - CONTINUOUS Figaro is huddled under a bush, fist clenched in silent rage. He hears movement near the pines and whispers under his breath. FIGARO Is that Susanna? He tries to look around the bush. Right hand poised under his jacket. FIGARO Fuck, it’s dark! I can’t see a fucking thing! He huddles back under the bush and spits on the ground. FIGARO Deceiver! Breaker of men’s fucking hearts! Figaro fumes some more. FIGARO At our wedding celebration he’s reading your note with pleasure, counting the minutes, while I laugh. Hah! I was laughing at myself! Figaro looks to the heavens. FIGARO Oh Susanna, Susanna. What anguish you’ve cost me! That sweet face, those innocent eyes. Men are fools to trust women. Figaro peers into the darkness. FIGARO Open your eyes and see them as they truly are. Goddesses who intoxicate your reason, sirens who poison your happiness, comets who steal your light. He slumps back behind the bush. FIGARO They steal your love, and leave nothing you with nothing but regret. On the other side of the pines, Susanna dressed as Signora Almaviva can’t believe her ears. She fumes to herself. SUSANNA Let me reward your doubts, Figaro. Susanna steps out, holding Signora Almaviva’s scarf. Signora Almaviva tries to stop her. Susanna places her index finger to her lips. She tip toes out to the pines as clouds part to reveal the full moon. Bush trembles as Figaro huddles even tighter under it so as not to be seen. Susanna tip toes closer to the trembling bush and cups her hand over her mouth to make sure Figaro can hear what she is about to say. SUSANNA Oh dear love, where are you? Come, come, do not delay. Do not make my heart wait another minute. Figaro bites his left hand. Behind him Susanna smirks and continues teasing him. SUSANNA Come to where love calls. Come while the air is dark and the world quiet. Come, come. Figaro can’t believe his ears, fighting not to whip out a gun from under his jacket. Behind him Susanna smiles to herself as she gently places Signora Almaviva’s scarf over her head. In the bushes behind Susanna, Signora Almaviva looks on. She adjusts Susanna’s wedding veil over her face as Cherubino tip toes unseen behind her. CHERUBINO I know what you’re doing, Susanna! Signora Almaviva dressed in Susanna’s bridal gown is startled. She doesn’t turn around. CHERUBINO Barbarina told me about the note and the diamond pin. I may be young, but I’m not stupid. He tries to take her hand. She smacks it away. CHERUBINO I know why you’re here, Susanna. Sounds of someone moving through the gardens. Distant bushes moving as he comes closer and whispers into the dark. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Susanna!? CHERUBINO He’s coming for you, Susanna. One kiss and I’ll leave. Signora Almaviva gasps and moves into the pines. CHERUBINO Don’t be such a prude, Susanna I was under your skirt this morning. I heard everything. Cherubino moves closer to kiss her. Signora Almaviva tries to smack him away. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Susanna!? Susanna!? CHERUBINO Quick, he’s almost here. He closes his eyes and leans in to kiss her just as Don Almaviva bursts through the bushes and receives Cherubino’s kiss on his own lips. DON ALMAVIVA Owh! Cherubino suddenly breaks the kiss and opens his eyes. Beat. Don Almaviva spits on the ground. Cherubino steps back, trying to figure out of what just happened. Don Almaviva tries to kick him in the ass as Cherubino scrambles and scatters back into the bushes, deeper into the shadows towards the greenhouse. Signora Almaviva dressed as Susanna stands in the foreground as Don Almaviva approaches her from behind. Figaro is still huddled under the bush, not wanted to look for fear of being seen. DON ALMAVIVA Alone at last. Don Almaviva steps closer behind her. DON ALMAVIVA Give me your hand. She does. He takes it. DON ALMAVIVA What soft skin, what slender fingers. They pierce my fucking heart. Figaro’s head falls into his hands. DON ALMAVIVA Through and through and through. No -- don’t say a word, my dear -- Signora Almaviva dressed as Susanna turns away as he fossicks for something in the tiny pocket of his satin vest. He fishes out a large gold ring and gallantly offers it to her. DON ALMAVIVA A small token of my love -- He holds the ring too lightly and it slips from his fingers. He struggles to catch it before it bounces out of his hand and into the grass. Sounds of people moving through the gardens. Distant bushes moving as people come closer. Torchlight sweeps through the bushes. Don Almaviva looks for a place to hide. DON ALMAVIVA This way! To the greenhouse! Don Almaviva leads the way to the bushes towards the greenhouse. She follows. DON ALMAVIVA It’s dark. Just as well we’re not going in there to fucking read! Figaro peeks out from behind the bush to see Signora Almaviva dressed as Susanna following Don Almaviva into the darkness. He gnashes his teeth. FIGARO Don Almaviva!! He bites his tongue and ducks back down behind the bush again. Don Almaviva stops in his tracks and frantically looks around. DON ALMAVIVA Figaro!? Signora Almaviva dressed as Susanna steps past Don Almaviva. He shoos her forward. DON ALMAVIVA Go, go. I’ll meet you in the greenhouse. She heads to the greenhouse. Don Almaviva heads the opposite way into the bushes. Figaro stands up from behind the bush, fuming. He fingers a gun under his jacket. FIGARO And I’ll catch you in the fucking greenhouse! Susanna dressed as Signora Almaviva steps into the pines, tying the scarf under her neck. SUSANNA Ssshhhhhh! Figaro peers into the darkness. FIGARO Signora Almaviva! You’ve come just in time. The deception’s at hand. Susanna moves to speak. Figaro raises his hand. FIGARO Not a word. Your husband, my bride, together as one. As fucking lovers! On our fucking wedding night!! SUSANNA Ssshhhhhh! Figaro struggles to get a gun out of his jacket. FIGARO Vengeance will be mine! SUSANNA Figaro, lower your voice! Figaro recognizes the voice. Then mouths what Susanna just said. Susanna daintily clears her throat as she moves her face away from Figaro. FIGARO Signora Almaviva!?! Susanna draws her scarf tighter. As she does, Figaro sees her jade bracelet and realizes it’s Susanna dressed as Signora Almaviva. He decides to tease her for teasing him. FIGARO Signora Almaviva, how the night air has cooled. Let me warm you. He moves closer to her. FIGARO Their betrayal has brought us together. She moves away from him. FIGARO As lovers scorned we’ve found each other, Signora Almaviva. Come closer, give me your hand. She stops, turns slaps his face. SUSANNA You want my hand? She slaps his face. SUSANNA Take it! She slaps him again. He chuckles. SUSANNA And this one! She slaps him once more with her other hand. FIGARO Owh!! He laughs. FIGARO Susanna, I know it’s you! She’s about to slap him again. SUSANNA You do! FIGARO How could I not know the voice I adore. Susanna laughs to herself when she realizes. SUSANNA My voice!? FIGARO The voice I love. They embrace and kiss deeply. Sounds of someone moving through the gardens. Distant bushes moving as he come closer. Susanna and Figaro break from their kiss, smiling and giggling. They scamper into the bushes. Sounds of someone walking into a tree. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Fuuuuuck!! Sounds of Don Almaviva moving through the gardens towards the greenhouse. Bushes moving as he comes closer, whispering into the dark. DON ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Susanna!? Susanna!? ALMAVIVA ESTATE - GARDENS - PINES - GREENHOUSE - CONTINUOUS Don Almaviva breaks through the bushes in front of the greenhouse. Sees the front glass door has been left slightly open. He whispers into the crack. DON ALMAVIVA Susanna, are you fucking deaf? Sounds of a couple moving through the bushes. Don Almaviva anxiously looks for a place to hide and dashes behind a tree. Bushes part as Figaro and Susanna dressed as Signora Almaviva step into the pines, hand in hand and hurry towards the greenhouse. Susanna giggles. FIGARO Let’s hurry, love. Our pleasure will cover our pain. Don Almaviva looks on from behind the tree, suddenly shocked. DON ALMAVIVA My God, my wife! Fucking Figaro!! Don Almaviva steps out from behind the tree with his hands on his hips. DON ALMAVIVA Owh!!! Figaro stops. Susanna scurries into the greenhouse. DON ALMAVIVA My guns!! Get my fucking guns!!! FIGARO Don Almaviva, what you doing out here -- DON ALMAVIVA Shut up! Fucking shut the fucking fuck up!! FIGARO Don Almaviva -- DON ALMAVIVA Owh!! What did I just fucking say? FIGARO I -- DON ALMAVIVA Don’t say a fucking word! Don’t move a fucking muscle!! Dr. Bartolo and Prof. Basilio blunder thorough the bushes, torchlight slicing the night. PROF. BASILIO What! DR. BARTOLO What? Don Almaviva points accusingly at Figaro. DON ALMAVIVA As God is my fucking witness, I’m going to fucking kill him. Don Almaviva spits on the ground. DON ALMAVIVA Good for nothing fucking fuck! You fucking betray me? You fucking shame me? DR. BARTOLO Who? PROF. BASILIO How? DON ALMAVIVA You’ll fucking see! Give me the fucking torch. He snatches the torch off Dr. Bartolo and points it at the open greenhouse door. DON ALMAVIVA Come out, you turncoat! Don Almaviva is surprised to see Cherubino nervously step out of the greenhouse. He pokes the torchlight in again. DON ALMAVIVA Come out, you heartless heartbreaker!! Don Almaviva is taken aback to see Barbarina guiltily step out of the greenhouse. He points the torchlight back in. DON ALMAVIVA Come out, you ungrateful deceiver!!! Don Almaviva is even more shocked to see a plainly embarrassed Marchesa Marcellina step out of the greenhouse. He leans the torchlight in. DON ALMAVIVA Come out, you faithless betrayer!!!! Beat. Don Almaviva is finally relieved to see Susanna dressed as Signora Almaviva step solemnly out of the greenhouse. Scarf over her head, crying into her hands to cover her face. She drops to her knees. SUSANNA Forgive me, forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA Owh! Do not ask for what I cannot grant! Cherubino drops to his knees. CHERUBINO Forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA No! The others drop to their knees. BARBARINA Forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA No!! MARCHESA MARCELLINA Forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA No!! DR. BARTOLO Forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA No!!! PROF. BASILIO Forgive -- DON ALMAVIVA No!!!! Figaro drops to his knees, right hand reaching deep inside his jacket. FIGARO Forgive me, Don Almaviva! DON ALMAVIVA I will not! Figaro shakes his head solemnly as if he has no other choice. He takes out what’s inside his jacket and points in at Don Almaviva. Don Almaviva recoils until he sees it’s the new video camera. Figaro starts filming. Beat. Don Almaviva turns and peers into the darkness. He sees his wife dressed as Susanna in her bridal gown come closer. Clouds drift away from the moon as she comes closer still and he finally recognizes who she is. Don Almaviva looks at the others. He sees Susanna uncovering her face. He looks back in disbelief at his wife stepping towards him. SIGNORA ALMAVIVA (O.C.) Forgive me, my true love? DON ALMAVIVA (humbled) Fuck me! She moves to kneel down but he takes her hand and stops her. He kneels down before her. Beat. DON ALMAVIVA Forgive me, my true love. Beat. She smiles and nods, and kisses him. And a single firework rockets high into the night sky and explodes in a brilliant bloom of a thousand points of light. Everyone stands and rejoices. More fireworks light up the sky. Guests tumble out into the gardens, cheering and clapping. Orchestra joins them playing as loud as they can. Everyone falls into a merry dance, joining hands and creating an enormous human circle of joy. Figaro gives the new video camera to Cherubino as more Guests join and enlarge the dancing circle of joy. Figaro takes Susanna by the hand and they race off towards the main house. Orchestra plays louder and louder as the dancing circle moves and bows into the shape of an immense, pulsing heart. Rise up high and higher as the revelry grows. Soar over the moonlit gardens towards the main house. Glide towards a Juliet balcony in the centre of the main house. Drift to the open french doors of Figaro and Susanna’s new bedroom. The partly open gold velvet curtain flutters lightly in the breeze. The new crystal bedside light softly glows over the newly decorated room. Dark red rose petals are scattered over the new king size bed. The bedroom door opens and Susanna and Figaro stumble in kissing and giggling and undressing. Susanna slips out of her dress and falls back on the new bed. Figaro tosses off his jacket and goes to the half open curtain. Susanna starts dimming the bedside light by hand. Figaro starts drawing the curtain closed by hand. He looks back at Susanna and smiles. She looks up at him and smiles back. Then he turns and grins and gives us a cheeky wink before closing the curtain to fade out. Fade up Mozart’s ‘Overture’ from ‘The Marriage of Figaro.’ Roll credits interlaced with highlights from the wedding celebrations caught on video. Pedrillo chasing Pussy over a table. Pussy leaping from the end onto the next table. Pedrillo valiantly leaping and missing, dragging the table cloth and settings down with him while Pussy is running on the spot. Don Almaviva calling Prof. Basilio over and surreptitiously handing him a folded sheet of white note paper. Pussy chasing Pedrillo under a table, over the feet of guests trying to dodge them. Don Almaviva taking out a hefty roll of cash, peeling off hundreds and handing them on the sly to Prof. Basilio. Antonio is so drunk he is refusing champagne from a waiter and insisting on sparkling water. Prof. Basilio going up to the Orchestra CONDUCTOR and showing him the white note paper Don Almaviva has given him. It’s sheet music. Conductor handing Prof. Basilio the baton. Prof. Basilio striking up a new song. Don Almaviva leading his wife onto the dance floor and whisking her off her feet. Everyone else joining in. Tony The Fish jumping over a broom in his rush to get to the dance floor and landing one foot in a mop bucket with a splash. Mozzarella happily dancing like John Travolta with a mop. Two Guards from the gate house dancing with each. Jimmy Spaghetinni standing behind a SLIM LADY seated at a table. He’s eating a bread roll, watching everyone dancing. Slim Lady brushing crumbs off her hair. EXTRA LARGE LADY biting into another slice of wedding cake and chewing. Stopping. Chewing some more. Stopping again, reaching into her mouth and pulling out a traditional gold figurine of the bride and groom. Marchesa Marcellina sitting down after dancing, slipping off her shoe and rubbing her aching foot. Something inside her shoe catching her eye. Picking up the shoe and shaking it. Gold coin slipping out much to her surprise. Dr. Bartolo sitting down after dancing but immediately hopping back up rubbing his derrière. Looking at the seat. Looking over his shoulder at his backside. Patting the seat of his pants, slipping his hand into his back pocket and much to his puzzlement retrieving an iron horseshoe. Cherubino and Barbarina both holding a champagne glass and on the count of three tossing it high into the air. Champagne glass tumbling and falling and smashing into a thousand pieces. Everyone clapping. Tony The Fish leaving with other guests, walking with a strange gait because one foot is stuck in the mop bucket. Pedrillo and Pussy snuggling together amidst the fallen settings on the fallen table cloth, watching the last of the guests leave as Mozart’s ‘Overture’ from ‘The Marriage of Figaro’ fades out. As the last guest exits, she yawns and leans her head into him. She closes her eyes and falls asleep. Then he closes his eyes and falls asleep too. --- ***Are you a helpful person?*** ***Did you enjoy this screenplay? Shoot it to your friends. Fire it to your enemies. Thanks for helping spread the word.*** --- *Copyright 2011 Stefano Boscutti* *All Rights Reserved* *The moral rights of the author are asserted.* *No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, digital, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or copying and pasting, recording or any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing.* *Stefano Boscutti acknowledges the trademark owners of various products referenced in this work. The publication or use of these trademarks is not authorised or sponsored by the trademark owner.* *This is a work of fiction. While many of the characters portrayed here have counterparts in the life and times of Pierre-Augustin Caron De Beaumarchais and others, the characterisations and incidents presented are totally the products of the author’s fanciful imagination. This work is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It should not be resold or given away. Thank you for your support. (Couldn’t do it without you.)* *Discover novels, screenplays, short stories and more by Stefano Boscutti at* [*boscutti.com*](https://www.boscutti.com/?ref=boscutti.ghost.io)